WACKY WORLD OF WRESTLING.

[HalloweenJack]

i have to admit, Kurt using his action figure was Priceless

[Propeus The Fallen]

WHAT’S UNDER THE BED, LA PARKA based on the greatest little story I ever found out of my Cheerios box.

(La Parka is in his room playing Nintendo Wii.)

(La Parka is playing Mario as Bowser approaches.)

La Parka: !!

(La Parka uses the remote to have Mario point behind Bowser.)

(King Koopa looks behind him.)

(La Parka has Mario jump on Bowser’s head to win the game.)

(La Parka begins to moonwalk as Mario does the same on the screen.)

(The bedroom door opens as Octagon appears and does some kung-fu chops in the air.)

Octagon: iHora de acostarte, La Parka.

(La Parka shakes his head as he throws down the wii remote)

(La Parka grabs a teddy bear on the shelf and points at it as La Parka cuddles it.)

(Octagon does a back flip and a spinning round house kick before turning back to La Parka.)

Octagon: No, no, es hora de tenderte.

(La Parka reluctantly goes to his bed as Octagon turns off the lights.)

(La Parka is almost asleep when he is awoken by a noise.)

Caption: Que es ese ruido, La Parka?

(La Parka shrugs his shoulder.)

RRRRRRR

Caption: Que es ese sonido?

(La Parka cups a finger over his ear.)

(La Parka shakes his head.)

(La Parka looks at the ground.)

Caption: Hay algo en el suelo?

(La Parka has a hand over his mouth as if biting them in fear.)

Caption: Sera que hay algo debajo de la cama?

(La Parka begins flexing his muscles.)

Caption: Sera verde?

(La Parka grabs a recent Hulk comic by Jeph Loeb.)

Caption O es rojo tal vez?

La Parka: …

(La Parka shakes his head in disgust.)

(La Parka begins to rip the comic to pieces.

(La Parka extends his arms.)

Caption: Es alto?

(La Parka uses one hand and just has less than an inch between two of his fingers.)

Caption: O mas bien chico?

(La Parka begins to slice into the air.)

Caption: Tiene unas unotas?

(La Parka turns over to try and look at his butt.)

Caption: Tendra dos rabos?

(La Parka begins to motion like he’s eating food.)

Caption: Ay, ojala que y haya comido!

(La Parka begins to read the caption.)

Caption: O podria comerse mi cama!

La Parka: !

(La Parka quickly jumps out of the bed and backs away.)

(La Parka prepares to look under the bed.)

Caption: Bueno, pues, uno, dos, tres, cuatro…

(La Parka lifts up the covers and looks under his bed.)

Caption: Es hora de mirar en el piso!

(La Parka pulls out his teddy bear.)

Caption: Vaya, no es mas que Ted!

(La Parka gently spanks his teddy bear before hugging it.)

Caption: Debajo de la cama no hay nada espantoso.

(La Parka nods in agreement.)

(Suddenly red smoke begins to come out from under the bed.)

La Parka: !!

(La Parka shakes and clutches his teddy bear close to him as the Boogeyman sticks his head out from under the bed.)

Boogeyman: Flipety flipety, flop. Tell the dust bunny to get a mop. AHHAAAAA

(Boogeyman looks over at La Parka.)

Boogeyman: I’m da Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ ta get’cha!

(La Parka shrugs his shoulder and points at his mouth and then his ear.)

Boogeyman: …

(Boogeyman reaches back and pulls out a sombrero and puts it on his head.)

Boogeyman: Soy El Boogeyman! Y estoy viniendo conseguirle!

La Parka: !!

(La Parka points at his teddy bear.)

(La Parka throws the teddy bear at The Boogeyman who happily takes it with him back under the bed.)

(La Parka looks at his bed for several seconds.)

(La Parka then waves off what happen and jumps on the bed and goes fast asleep.)

 

[Propeus The Fallen]

Wrestle Court: DX vs. Hornswoggle.

(DX is entering the courtroom throwing out their glow sticks.)

Shawn Michaels: Hey everyone! Glow sticks. We’re hip to the knees!

Hunter: Here, Masters, you’ll like them-uh!

(Hunter throws a glow stick and Masters catches it.)

(Masters looks at it.)

(Masters breasts begin to dance.)

Masters: …

(Masters smiles as his breasts dance to a beat.)

(Shawn and Hunter sit at their desk.)

Shawn Michaels: That means he likes it.

(Hornswoggle enters next.)

Hornswoggle: Hah! Haaaahhhhaaa!

(Chavo stands up in front of Hornswoggle.)

Chavo: I hope you finally get what you have coming, you little imp.

Hornswoggle: …

(Hornswoggle headbutts Chavo in the crotch.)

Chavo: …eeeeeee…

(Chavo I bent over as Hornswoggle points and laughs at him.)

Hornswoggle: AHHAAAAAA

(Hornswoggle then begins to do the DX crotch chop.)

Hornswoggle: ffrrrrr ttt frrr ttt! AAHHAA

(Shawn and Hunter stand up, not happy with Hornswoggle.)

Shawn Michaels: Hey! That’s ours!

Hunter: Only DX can do a gesture where you’re asking someone to do favors on you!

Shawn Michaels: And I like Chavo’s crotch!

(Hunter looks over at Shawn.)

Michaels: As a friend.

Hunter: Oh. Okay then.

(Hornswoggle walks up in front of Hunter.)

(Hornswoggle is in a fighting stance.)

(Hunter turns to Shawn.)

Hunter: What’s he doing?

Hornswoggle: RFRRFFAAAA

Shawn: He said that we don’t have to settle this in court. He will engage in battle with us and settle things right now. And he called you a scallywag.

(Hornswoggle nods his head and motions for Hunter to come at him.)

Hunter: Oh is that so?

(Hunter towers over Hornswoggle.)

Hunter: Since I’ve won every belt imaginable, taller, faster, stronger, and I married and boink the boss’ daughter every night…

Hunter: I’m going to let you get the first shot.

Hornswoggle: …

(Hornswoggle kicks Hunter on his leg.)

Hornswoggle: AH!

(Hunter collapses.)

Hunter: Arrggh! My held together by a string quadriceps!!

(Shawn takes off his cowboy hat and puts it on the desk.)

Shawn: I’ll avenge you, buddy!

(Shawn tries sweet chin music, but goes over Hornswoggle’s head.)

(Hornswoggle looks up.)

(Hornswoggle does the loser hand gesture and snatches HBK’s hat.)

Hornswoggle: AAAHHHHAAA

(Shawn helps pick up Hunter.)

Shawn: He’s invincible.

Hunter: Oh, he’s not so tough…

(Hunter looks under his desk.)

Hunter: Hey, where is my…

(Hornswoggle goes under his table and pulls out a small hammer.)

Hunter: Is there nothing sacred, you evil leprechaun!?

(The lights go off.)

(The Undertaker is at his place.)

Undertaker: I am the Undertaker, judge, jury, and executioner. I—

(Undertaker looks over at Michaels in his bailiff spot.)

Undertaker: What are you doing?

Michaels: Um, I’m balifing. Y’know, I stand here and read off some notes I scribbled on a bubble gum wrapper about whatever it is we’re doing.

Undertaker: You’re part of the case.

Michaels: But I like being next to you, Mark.

(Undertaker glares at Michaels who runs away.)

Undertaker: BEGONE!!

(Undertaker looks over at Morrison.)

Undertaker: John Morrison. Arise and take the mantle.

(Morrison slowly gets up in slow motion as wind blows in his hair.)

(Morrison does a pose as the air blows his jacket and hair.)

Morrison: The guru of greatness, the Friday night delight, the shaman of sexy, and now the bailiff of bygones and bylaws.

(Morrison spins around and points at DX.)

Morrison: DX vs. Hornswoggle. A tale like the works of Oscar Wilde with a dash of Shakespeare as we are to be woven in a tale of greed, luxury, crude humor, and a pucish little fellow. Attacks, copyright, and even theft will be decided by we, the WWE wrestlers.

(Everyone stands up and claps.)

Hornwoggle: Aaaahh Aaaah!! Encore! Haaaa!!

(DX does a mix of crotch chop and applause.)

Hunter: We love you!

HBK: But not like we like Drew McIntyre.

Hunter: 14 stones. That’s amazing-uh.

(We turn to see The Miz sitting down.)

(Miz looking at everyone around him.)

Miz: Really? Just like that? Really?!

(Undertaker begins to talk when he looks in the stands.)

Undertaker: Now, let us—

(Undertaker looks at CM Punk who is in his usual attire.)

Undertaker: What are you wearing? This is an important case.

(CM Punk looks over at Cena in his usual clothing.)

CM Punk: John Cena’s not dressed for this.

(Undertaker glares at CM Punk.)

Undertaker: I will be watching you closely for the remainder of my career.

(Undertaker looks over at Hornswoggle.)

Undertaker: Hornswoggle. Plead your case.

(Hornswoggle walks by DX as they begin to boo and hiss.)

Hunter: Boooo!!! Go back to Ireland!

Shawn Michael: HISSSS.

(Shawn jumps up on the table.)

Shawn: AHHH! Snake!!

(Hornswoggle holds up to fingers.)

Triple H: Two words…

(Hornswoggle gestures to his ear.)

HBK: Sounds like…

(Hornswoggle does the crotch chop and runs away as DX try to reach over and grab him.)

Hunter: GRRRRR-UH!

Shawn: I didn’t see that coming!

(Hornswoggle sits on several WWE magazines as he takes the stand.)

Hornswoggle: Me. Hornswoggle. Me—AAAAhhh—Me like DX. Wanna be DX.

(Hornswoggle shows of his new DX shirt.)

Hornswoggle: Like shirts! HHHAAAA! Like it lot.

(Hornswoggle is hit with a spit wad.)

Hornswoggle: DX beat up Hornswoggle! Hhaaa. Seek damages! HHaaa--

Splat.

(We see Triple H and Shawn shooting off spit wads at Hornswoggle.)

(Hornswoggle wipes off a spit wad.)

(Hornswoggle motions for a finger to wait a moment.)

(Hornswoggle disappears behind the stand.)

Undertaker: …

(Shawn and Hunter look on.)

Hunter: What do you think he’s doing?

Shawn: Making Baby Jesus cry.

(Hornswoggle reappears with a military helmet on and a tube from towels.)

Hornswoggle: AHHAAAA

(Hornswoggle fires off two giant towel spit wads.)

PUTTTOOII PUTTOOOII

SPLOT

OW

SPLOT

OW-UH

(Hunter and Shawn have a giant spit wad stuck on their left and right eye respectively.)

(Hornswoggle begins to point and laugh.)

Hornswoggle: AAHHHHHAAA HHAAAAA!!!

(Hunter and Shawn look over at each other as they throw their spit wads off their eyes.)

Hunter: Shawn.

Shawn: Hunter.

(Hunter looks over at Hornswoggle.)

Hunter: Let’s settle this out of court.

(Hunter and Shawn run up and grab Hornswoggle and hold him up in the air. They knock off his helmet.)

Hunter: We’re going to give you the Andre the Giant of wedgies!

(Undertaker begins beating his gavel.)

Undertaker: ORDER! ORDER!

Shawn: A soda and cheeseburger for me.

(Hunter looks over at Shawn and shakes his head in disgust.)

Shawn: What?

Hornswoggle as he points at Shawn: AAAHHH! Lame.

(Shawn begins to give Hornswoggle a noogie.)

Shawn: It was a classic and funny!

Hornswoggle: Aaahhhhaaaahhhhaaa!!!!

(Undertaker stands up and glares at DX.)

Undertaker: Enough!

Undertaker: You will take your seats and obey the rules of this court. NOW!

(Shawn and Hunter look over at Undertaker and smirk.)

Hunter: We’re Degeneration X. You make the rules, and we’ll break’em-uh.

HBK: And there’s nothing you can do about it!

(The lights dim and a swirling wind appears and knocks over chairs, tables, and lightweights.)

(Evan Bourne flies around the room.)

Evan Bourne: AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Shawn and Hunter are scared stiff as Hornswoggle looks at one and then the other.)

(Hornswoggle begins to do the crotch chop again.)

Hornswoggle: YYEAHHHHAAA

(Lightning flashes and everything goes dark.)

(Shawn and Hunter are sitting in a dungeon as a rat is in front of them.)

Caption: Some time later.

HBK: Hey, Triple H, look what I taught Frisky to do.

(Frisky the Rat begins to do the crotch chop.)

(Hunter nods in approval.)

Hunter: Nice.

(Frisky the Rat begins to lick his crotch.)

HBK: I didn’t teach him that.

Hunter: Could-uh fooled me.

HBK: …

Hunter: …

HBK: Hunter.

Hunter: Yeah, Shawn?

(HBK puts his head on Triple H’s shoulder.)

HBK: I wanna go home.

(Hunter reaches over and hugs him.)

Hunter: Me too, Shawn. Me too.

(DX looks over at a chained Naked Mideon.)

(Naked Mideon winks at them and begins to wiggle in shackles.)

Shawn: …I try not to look that way but…

Hunter: I know, I know, Shawn…

THE END.

[HalloweenJack]

heh. any DX related stuff is good.

Shawn's "He's invincible" line had me laughing

and the Taker/Punk thing....priceless

[Propeus The Fallen]

I think the WWE should hire me to write a DX commerical for their merchandise.

Total Nonstop Action is Hulkamania.

(Hulk Hogan is walking with Dixie Carter in the Impact Zone.)

Dixie Carter: So what do you think, Hulk.

(Hogan turns to Dixie Carter with a ton of energy.)

Hulk: Well ya know something’ Dixie Carter, TNA is the place to be! You have loyal fans, brother. You have the wrestlers! You have that little red X over the ring! And now you’ve go the 24 inch pythons carrying TNA over 1.0 Tv thingamabob, brother!!

(Hogan begins to do his poses.)

Hulk: What’cha gonna do when the power of Hulkamania goes total nonstop action on you!!?

(Hogan pumps his muscles in front of Dixie.)

Dixie: !!

(Hogan has his ear cupped as he awaits a response.)

(Dixie Carter goes into her purse and pulls out a cellphone.)

Dixie Carter: I’ll answer that just after I do this.

(Dixie Carter dials a number.)

Cellphone: H-E-Double L-O, this is Ol’ Double J—ha ha—what do you—

(Dixie closes the cellphone.)

Dixie Carter: Teach him to found this company and try to find love.

Dixie Carter: Now, Hulk, I would like to show you—

(Dixie looks up to see Hogan is gone.)

Dixie: So he went off on his own. Well, that can’t be so—

(Mick Foley, who has Mr. Socko on, runs up to Dixie Carter wielding a barbwire ballbat.)

Mick Foley: Dixie, where is he? Where’s Hogan? I’m not going to wait for him to suddenly decide to get rid of Ol’ Micker-roo!

Dixie Carter: Mick, you own shares in TNA.

Mick Foley: The man slammed Andre the Giant! He can do anything but star in a good movie!

Mick Foley: Right Mr. Socko?

(We see Mr. Socko is wearing red and yellow.)

Mick Foley: Oh, kissing ass already? You brown noser! I should take this ballbat and—

(Mr. Socko suddenly puts Foley in the mandible claw.)

Mick Foley: AAACCCKKK!!!

(Dixie watches as Foley rules around.)

Foley: Hahhh gaaahhh I’ll kill you and use you for a stocking!! GRR!

(Dixie Carter face palms herself.)

Dixie Carter: We’re going to lose him big time.

(Hogan is walking down the hall.)

Hogan: The Hulkster loves meeting new fans! These poor dudes have only seen the Hulkster on YouTube and Netflix, brother!

(Hogan turns a corner to see AJ Styles with his TNA title.)

Hogan: Looks like I found one, brother.

(AJ Styles extends a hand.)

AJ: Hulk Hogan! Wow, this is an honor.

(Hogan shakes his hand too hard as AJ winces.)

Hogan: Well you know something Mean Gene, the Hulkster is proud to meet one of his fans, brother!

AJ Styles: ooowwww

Hogan: The power of Hulkamania is the preservative that the man upstairs uses in his soda, brother! And he belches the sweet scent of American freedom, brother!

(AJ Styles is on his knees.)

AJ Styles: aaaahhhhh

Hogan: Remember, little dude, eat your vitamins, say your prayers, and drink your milk, and you might one day be as big as the Hulkster, little dude!

(Hogan lets go as AJ gets up.)

AJ: Um, Mr. Hogan, I think there is some confusion. I’m the current TNA world champion. AJ Styles.

(Hogan pats AJ Styles on his head.)

Hogan: Sure you are, little dude!

AJ Styles: I’m not little. I’m six foot!

(Hogan looks AJ over.)

(Hogan bends down in laughter.)

Hogan: AAAHHHHHAAAA! Haven’t laughed this hard, brother, since we got Bruti all coked up, little dude!

AJ Styles: ….

(Hogan grabs the TNA World belt as he pulls out a sharpie.)

Hogan: Here you go, little dude, the first autograph of The Hulkster’s phenomenal—

AJ Styles: I’m the phenomenal!

Hogan: --Run in TNA, brother!

(Hogan puts the belt back on AJ’s shoulder.)

Hogan: There you are, little dude!

AJ Styles: But this is the world title!

Hogan: And it’s a very nice one, brother.

(Suicide wearing a Hulkamania shirt and bandana and holding a copy of Santa With Muscles leaps into view while doing his hand gesture.)

Hogan: A new Machine!

(Suicide shakes his head and extends his autograph book.)

Hogan: Oh, you want the largest arms in the world to sign your DVD cover of the greatest movie in the history of the universe, brother?

(Suicide nods his head.)

(Hogan attempts to sign the DVD but his sharpie runs out of ink.)

Hogan: …

(Hogan shoves the DVD back to Suicide as he walks off.)

Hogan: Sorry, brother.

Suicide: !!!

(Suicide vainly reaches out to Hogan as he walks away.)

Suicide: …

(Suicide slumps over in depression.)

AJ Styles: You can have my autograph.

(Suicide looks over glares at AJ Styles and waves him off.)

AJ Styles: Yeah, well I got Hogan’s autograph so there! Nah!

(AJ sticks out his tongue.)

(The World Elite is in a dressing room as they hold a meeting.)

Doug Williams: Bloody hell has it been a good year for the World Elite.

Eric Young: Yes it has. Thanks to my leadership and—

(Eric Young looks to see Homicide trying to strangle Rob Terry who seems to only be annoyed.)

Homicide: You taking my air! My air! Oh hell’s no! I strangle you and throw you off the building! Go splat!

Rob Terry: Sigh.

(Eric Young waves them off.)

Eric Young: Anyway, our Japanese representative Kiyoshi would like to say something.)

(Kiyoshi stands up next to Eric Young.)

(Kiyoshi acts like he is clearing his throat.)

(Kiyoshi spits black mist in the air.)

(Kiyoshi bows his head.)

World Elite: …

(Homicide has let go of Terry as a tear rolls down his eye.)

Homicide: That makes me think of my mom.

(Homicide extends a hand in friendship.)

Homicide: I’m sorry for jacking you up, Big Brit.

(Rob is about to shake his hand when Homicide punches him in the eye.)

POW

Rob: OW!

Homicide: Sucka! Homicide not sorry for anything!

(Eric Young is back talking.)

Eric Young: Well, that was great. Now we need to all talk about how much we hate America and how we, the foreign wrestlers of TNA will take over and spread our message to…

(Eric Young looks at the World Elite as they are wide-eyed in fright.)

Eric Young: Huh?

(Eric Young follows their eyes to the doorway as Hogan is standing there with his eyes wide in anger)

(Hogan begins to hulk up and points at the World Elite.)

(Hogan closes the door.)

BAM WHAM AAAAHHH ACCCAAAA RRRIPPPP

(Hogan comes out of the room. In the background, we can see several members of the World Elite with their flags shoved in their mouth.)

Hogan: Foreignnnnnnerssssss.

(Hogan is walking down a hall as he sees Samoa Joe.)

Hogan: !!

(Hogan begins to examine Samoa Joe.)

Samoa Joe: What.

Hogan: You from Samoa, Brother?

Samoa Joe: Originally. Why?

Hogan: You go to a missionary down there or something? Never seen many of you wearing boots, talking English, brother…

(Samoa Joe gets in Hogan’s face.)

Samoa Joe: In the Nation of Violence, we kill our elderly when they get too old and fragile. We murder them when they annoy us.

Hulk: Do you know what it’s like to be run over by the power of Hulkamania, dude?

Hulk: Hulkamania is an A-one shit seeking cluster bomb that targets assholes and blows them from home to high, brother!

(Hogan begins to do his bug eyed facial expression as Samoa Joe stares at him.)

Samoa Joe: …

Samoa Joe: I know I am going to kill you.

Hulk: You can’t kill Hulkamania brother!

(Samoa Joe walks away as Dixie Carter walks up to Hogan.)

Dixie Carter: So there you are. Um, did everything…

Hulk: Y’know something brother, I’m gonna love TNA!

Dixie: Really?

Hulk: You better believe it, brother! Great fans! Evil foreigners! And you have a rare Samoan who can talk and tie shoes!

Samoa Joe in the distance: ****ING KILL YOU.

Hogan: TNA is the place to be!

(Dixie leads Hogan into a room.)

Dixie: That’s great. Now I want you to meet our head booker.

What do youse wants?

Hogan: You.

(Hogan glares at Vince Russo, who is behind his desk.)

Russo: You crazy bitch! Wat da hell!

(Hogan stalks towards Russo.)

Russo: !!!

(Hogan flips the desk over with one hand.)

(Hogan raises Russo up in the air by the collar of his stupid Yankee shirt.)

Russo: ah ahhhh ahhhh

(Hogan begins to sniff.)

Hogan: sniff sniff

Hogan: What’s that smell!?

(Russo is crying.)

Russo: It’s d-d-doookieeee!!!

THE END.

[HalloweenJack]

that was good



but the No Holds Barred reference at the end?


that made it GREAT

[Propeus The Fallen]

It’s a Wonderful Life, Suicide

(Suicide is at a meeting with all the other TNA Superstars as Dixie Carter is addressing them.)

Dixie Carter: And as you all know we’ll be having our annual Christmas party only this time with representatives from Spike TV attending.

(Suicide is looking around as he is getting tired of listening to all of this.)

Dixie Carter: And I want everyone happy. Every.

(All the other TNA superstars look over at Suicide.)

Suicide: ?!

Dixie Carter: And if you can’t be happy, and if you are just going to depress everyone with your problems, then you can just stay away.

Suicide: !!

(Suicide leaps out from his chair and stands in front of Dixie Carter.)

(Suicide does his hand signal before running out of the room.)

Dixie Carter: …

Dixie Carter: Now that that problem is over with. As per in Hulk Hogan’s contract, we are all obligated to watch Santa With Muscles.

TNA Wrestlers: MMMMOOOOAANNNN

(The Pope stands up.)

The Pope: The Pope likes lots of things!

(The Pope throws money over the Beautiful People.)

The Pope: The Pope likes makin’ it rain!

(The Beautiful People bend over and pick up the money as Pope looks at their behinds.)

The  Pope: The Pope likes the foxes!

(The Pope stops at Velvet Sky.)

(The Pope nods his head in approval.)

The Pope: Especially tails.

(The Pope points at Dixie Carter.)

The Pope: But The Pope does not like no Hulk Hogan movie on the holly jolliest day of the year, my sista!

(All the TNA wrestlers nod their head or vocally agree.)

Dixie Carter: Hey! If you don’t like the company is heading then you can always jump off a bridge.

(At a bridge Suicide is preparing to jump off it.)

Caption: Meanwhile at the highest bridge in the area…

(Suicide looks down at the distant water.)

(Suicide does his hand signal like a salute and prepares to jump.)

WAIT SUICIDE!

(Suicide looks up to see the Ghost of Christmas Present and Ghost of Christmas Past over him. Christmas Past looks like a small fairy and Present is seen as fat and jolly. Think how they are shown in most adaptations.)

(Suicide jumps off the edge of the bridge as the ghosts land.)

Past: We are the ghosts of Christmas Past and Present. Tee-Hee

Present: Do you know why they call the present the present? Because it is a gift. 

(Suicide holds his head, showing he did not like that quote at all.)

Past: I wish you had never seen Kung Fu Panda now! Tee-Hee.

(Past goes back to addressing Suicide.)

Past: We’ve come to show you that life is worth living, especially on Christmas Day. Tee-Hee.

(Suicide looks at an imaginary watch.)

(Suicide decides this won’t take long.)

(Suicide points at Present.)

Present: Me first?

(Past and Present look at each other confused.)

Present: We’ve never done me first.

Past: Just do it. Tee-Hee.

Present: Okay!

(Present turns to Suicide.)

Present: You have no family. You will not get a single Christmas present. Oh, and all of your T-shirts? Those are given out for free.

(Suicide looks at his chest like it is one of his shirts.)

(Suicide leaps back on the bridge railing.)

Past: Wait! Wait! Tee-Hee.

(Past waves an arm as the scenery changes to a house with a note on the gate to it as Suicide looks confused. The house is decorated for Christmas.)

Past: Here you remember this place?

(Suicide looks the house over.)

Suicide: That’s right! Your old home. Tee-hee.

(Past points down the sidewalk.)

Past: And who is that young man?

(Suicide looks down the sidewalk to see young Suicide. Young Suicide is wearing an oversized jacket and hood so that his face is completely covered.)

(A car suddenly speeds along and splashes water on Young Suicide.)

SPLLISSHHH

Young Suicide: !!!

(Young Suicide waves his arms in frustration.)

(Past looks over at Suicide.)

Past: It does get better, right? Tee…hee…?

Suicide: …

(Suicide points at the note as Young Suicide reads it.)

Young Suicide: …

(Young Suicide gets depressed, lets the note fall from his hand and sits on the sidewalk.)

(Another car comes along and splashes water on him.)

SPLISSSHHH

(Present picks up then note as Past looks on from his shoulder.)

Present: “To our son, we now know it was a mistake to adopt you. You have been a failure in everyway possible. We did try to love you, especially around Christmas, but it put a monstrous strain on our marriage. The fake smiles and empty gestures of warmth.”

Past: “Our Christmas present to ourselves is starting over. We have changed the locks so don’t even bother with that. Besides, we burnt all of your favorite toys and even the presents you saw under the tree.”

Present and Past: “In closing, we hate you, hate from Mom and Dad.”

(Past and Present.)

Past: This…this is the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen! Tee-Hee

Present: How can you live with such sadness?

(Suicide nods his head.)

(Suicide looks over at a couple carrying a small Christmas tree as they walk along.)

(Young Suicide looks up at them.)

(They wave Young Suicide off as they look proudly at their tree.)

Young Suicide: Sigh.

(Suicide shakes a fist in the air.)

Past: To hell with this holiday! Tee-Hee!

Present: We want to die, too, Suicide, but let’s murder Christmas before we take our own lives!

(Suicide nods his head with one giant head up and down.)

(At a Christmas Tree farm, Suicide and the ghosts are spreading gasoline around.)

Past: Fire! Fire! Watch it burn! Tee-Hee!

Present: The reason why I eat is because I’m unhappy!

(Suicide douses himself and the ghosts in gasoline.)

(Suicide pulls out some matches from his pocket.)

(Suicide does his pose.)

Past: Hurry! I can’t stand being here now! Tee-Hee.

(Present turns to Past in anger.)

Present: Hey!

(Suicide is about to light the match, but is stopped by a shrouded Ghost of Christmas Future.)

Suicide: !!?

Past: Uh-oh. Tee-Hee.

(Future looks over at the other two ghosts.)

Future: Obviously, you two have failed at your job.

Past: But, Future, his entire life is really, really stinky. Tee-Hee.

Present: We can’t find one reason for him to go on.

(Suicide jerks his arm free and prepares to light the match.)

Future: You don’t like Christmas, Suicide?

(Suicide shakes his head.)

Future: But you should love Christmas more than any other soul. For it is on a Christmas Day that your entire life turns around for the better.

(Suicide tilts his head.)

Future: That’s right. A complete 180.

Present: You mean 360.

Past: Yeah.

(Future flashes a monstrous face from his cloak at the two ghosts.)

Future: THAT WOULD PUT HIM BACK TO WHERE HE IS NOW!!! Where the hell did you learn math from, Gorilla Monsoon?!

Present and Past: AAHHHH

(Future calms down and looks back at Suicide who is deciding if he should light the matches or not.)

Future: Suicide, in the end, the choice is yours.

Suicide: …

(The TNA Party as the Pope is with several of the knockouts.)

The Pope: The Pope loves his bitches!

(Elsewhere Samoa Joe is dressed like Santa.)

Samoa Joe: In the North Pole, we gut and eat any reindeer who doesn’t pull his weight!

(Suddenly, Suicide, wearing a Christmas hat, bursts into the room carrying several gifts.)

(Everyone turns in surprise as Suicide does his pose.)

(Suicide approaches The Pope and hands him a gift.)

The Pope: Suicidey! You have a gift for The Pope?

(Suicide nods his head and holds out the gift.)

The Pope: Let the Pope see what lies beneath the wrappings of yonder gift!

(The Pope sees a piece of wood with Suicide drawing himself like a caricature on it.)

The Pope: Oh, this is a piece of the table you put The Pope through!

(The Pope reaches at his heart.)

The Pope: That touches the Pope right here, Suicidey!

(The Pope reaches into his pocket for 5-Hour Energy Drink.)

The Pope: Here! I want you to have the Pope’s 5-Hour Energy Drink! Little calories and keeps The Pope going for hours! Five Hour Energy drink!

(Suicide gives AJ Styles boots with lifts in them.)

AJ Styles: Wow! This will make me 6’5 now!

(Suicide gives Daniels Groucho Marx eyeglasses, eyebrows, and mustaches.)

Daniels: I missed having eyebrows. Thanks, Suicide.

(Suicide is standing at a wall as Awesome Kong approaches him.)

Suicide: ?

(Awesome Kong points above Suicide’s head.)

(Suicide looks up to see missile toe.)

Suicide: !!

(Suicide turns worriedly at Awesome Kong who sticks out her tongue.)

Awesome Kong: Kong like French!

(Kong grabs Suicide before he can escape and kisses him to the ground.)

SMMMOOOOCCHHHH

(The ghosts look on as Kong is leaving and Suicide tries to wipe his mask clean.)

(Past and Present look at Future.)

Future: I didn’t say it would be THIS Christmas.

(Roxxi approaches Suicide and helps him to his feet.)

Roxxi: C’mon, let’s help decorate the tree. We all decided that you should put up the star.

(Suicide nods his head and does his hand signal as Roxxi pulls him along.)

(Suicide is putting the star on the TNA decorated Christmas Tree)

Future: But it’s a good start.

[Propeus The Fallen]

Christmas Special two:

Legacy:

(Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase are watching a Charlie Brown Christmas.)

Ted DiBiase: So poor people only get trees that small?

Cody Rhodes: My dad gets around a five foot one.

Ted DiBiase: My dad gets an entire forest.

(Cody Rhodes stares at Ted dumbfounded.)

Ted DiBiase: I always wanted a dog though…

(Cody turns the channel.)

Ted: I still don’t get how you can watch TV on this sixteen inch screen. I just about need my diamond encrusted reading glasses.

(Orton walks into the room.)

Orton: What are you two doing?

(Orton stares at the TV as Santa Claus is shown.)

Orton: …

(Ted and Cody look over at him.)

Cody: He’s got that look in his eye.

(Orton begins to snarl as he thinks back.)

(Flashback of a young Randy Orton being lead to sit on Santa’s lap by his dad.)

Santa Claus: Ho Ho Ho! What do we have here? Well, if it ain’t my good friend’s Ace’s kid!

(Santa Claus takes off his beard and hat briefly to show it’s Rowdy Piper.)

Young Orton: !

(Young Orton tries to walk away, but Rowdy Santa grabs him and forces him on his lap.)

Rowdy Santa: Now here there! Don’t cha go runnin’ away! Ain’t gotta be afraid of Santy Claus! Now I know you’re afraid of da Tooth Fairy, thinkin’ she’s gonna snatch your teeth or of da Easter Bunny because you don’t understand how a bunny can lay an egg!

Rowdy Santa: Now ya just sit on ol’ Saint Nicky’s lap and tell ‘em what ya want!

Young Orton: Um, I…

(Rowdy Santa begins to sniff in the air.)

Rowdy Santa: What’s that smell!?!

Rowdy Santa: YEEEECCKK

(Rowdy Santa looks at the line of kids.)

Rowdy Santa: You other children smell that?! Burning the beard under Santy’s nose! I mean—PEEE-UUHHH! Ain’t smelled nothing that bad since I sniffed under one armed Amy’s pits! Let me tell you!

Rowdy Santa: …Now I liked the gift she gave Santy, but still…

(Rowdy Santa begins to sniff over at Orton.)

Young Orton: …

(Rowdy Santa sniffs at his knee that Young Orton is sitting on.)

Young Orton: ?

(Rowdy Santa holds up his nose.)

Rowdy Santa: Little boy did ya make a dookie on Santa’s lap!?

Young Orton: What?! No!

(The other kids begin whispering.)

Young Orton: No, I didn’t!

Rowdy Santa: Ah, Ah! Don’t you go start lyin’! Ain’t gonna make the good list! I checks it twice and thrice with a cold one—that would be da missus! Ain’t no shame in needin’ ta still be wearin’ a diaper!

Rowdy Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping and awake! I’ve seen how ya drink that Coke-a-Cola and then ya dreaming of Tinkerbell and My Little Ponies ya get all excited, kickin’ your little legs in your one piece jammies and—you make a little pond for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ta swim in!

Young Orton: No!!!

Rowdy Santa: And now ya make a poop. Ain’t smelled nuthin’ like dis since Rudolph had some of Missus Claus’s meatloaf fruit cake and got the trots in da trough! Then all da elves be—ACCK ACCK—and Frosty makin’ yellow snow cause he’s laughin’ so hard—

(Young Orton jumps off Rowdy Santa’s lap as the kids begin to laugh.)

Kids: HHAAAAHHH HHHHHHAAAA

Young Orton: RRRAAAHH

(Young Orton points at the other kids.)

Young Orton: I’ll show you! I’ll get back at you all somehow!

Santa Rowdy: Sonny, I ain’t gonna get you yer Barbie Doll if ya keep yellin’. I know how’s ya like to get ‘em naked and bend ‘em over your Ghostbusters! Crossin’ dem streams in Barbie’s Mansion!

(Young Orton turns to Rowdy Santa and glares at him.)

Young Orton: Grrrrr

(Back to reality as Orton is coming back.)

Orton: Grrrr

(Orton punts the TV)

PUNT OF DOOM

CRAACCK

Cody Rhodes: Hey!

(Orton is standing over the remains of the TV as he looks over at Cody and Ted.)

Ted: What are you doing, Randy!?

(Orton glares at Ted.)

Orton: You are going to get us a private jet and we are going to the North Pole.

(Cody and Ted look at each other in confusion.)

Cody: Um, why…?

(Orton does his pose.)

Orton: Because the Legend Killer is going to claim his biggest prey of all.

(Orton continues to do his pose as Ted and Cody look on.)

(Orton still in his pose glances over at Ted and Cody.)

Ted: Now?

Randy: Yes now, idiot!

(Cut to the North Pole as Santa is just now done with his delivers and enters an empty workshop.)

Santa Claus: My, my, it sure has been a hectic day with my wife being kidnapped by super villains and Little Jamie Truesdale wanting a night light and ballbat for Christmas instead of a Nintendo Wii. Begged Santa he did.

(Santa pats his stomach.)

Santa: And Santa had one too many of those delicious cookies the children left out for Santa.

(Santa Claus looks around.)

Santa Claus: Well, looks like all my elves are at the after Christmas party.

(Santa Claus begins to jiggle his stomach.)

Santa Claus: I best had get joining them all. Ho Ho Ho!

GRAB HIM!

(Ted and Cody grab Santa from behind and hold him.)

Santa Claus: What is this? Who is attacking Santa?

(Cody and Ted look away as Santa looks at them.)

Cody: Um, this wasn’t our idea, I swear…

(Orton walks out of the shadows.)

Orton: It was my idea, Santa.

(Orton begins to stare and circle Santa and Legacy.)

(Orton crotches down as he stares at Santa.)

(Orton does his pose and walk as he stares at Santa.)

Santa: Is that young man, okay?

Ted: No.

Cody: He’s just intimidating you.

(Orton suddenly smacks Santa’s hat off his head.)

Orton: That’s enough out of you!

(Santa begins to examine Orton.)

Santa: Why, Santa recognizes you. You’re Lil’ Randy Orton all grown up.

(Santa begins to shake his head.)

Santa: You were such a nice little boy before that mall Santa. And then you started to lie, kick little girls in the kneecaps and even kicked Mickey Mouse on his head.

(Santa looks over at Cody Rhodes who looks guilty.)

Santa: And Little Cody Rhodes, Santa is especially surprised at you. Why Santa still has that heart felt letter where you asked Santa for a Hulk Hogan wrestle buddy. Oh, you were so happy when you opened your present. You in your little Legend of Zelda jammies…

Cody: Well, I did like it and I still sleep—

(Orton glares at Cody.)

Cody: Um, I mean, it was cool…

(Cody grabs Santa by his hair.)

Cody: But I’m part of Legacy now! And I’m evil.

(Orton nods approvingly.)

(Cody looks to make sure Orton is not paying any attention before letting go of Santa’s hair and whispering into his ear.)

Cody: …please forgive me, I don’t want to do this…I swear…

(Santa looks over at Ted.)

Santa: And poor little Teddy Jr. Santa had trouble finding gifts for you. You had everything a little boy could ever want…but a friend.

Ted: …

(Orton grabs Santa by his beard and turns his head around.)

Orton: That’s enough out of you!

Orton: I am going to do what the corporations couldn’t do, what all the other religions couldn’t do, and even what The Grinch couldn’t do!

(Orton twists his head as he stares at Santa.)

Orton: I am going to not only end the legend of Santa Claus…but Christmas itself!

(Orton looks over Cody and Ted.)

Orton: Hold him down.

(Cody and Ted look at each other.)

Cody: Uh, Randy, couldn’t we just forget all this happened?

Ted: Why don’t we just break into Harley Race’s house? He’s had polio when he was a baby, he can take a kick to the head.

(Orton gets into Cody’s face.)

Orton: Who is the leader of Legacy!? Who is the reason that you are anywhere near the top of the sports entertainment industry!?

Cody: You…

(Orton gets in Ted’s face next.)

Orton: Who is the reason that Legacy will soon dominate the world?! Don’t answer! You know who it is!

Orton: Then you two do as you’re told! Now hold him down! NOW!

Ted: …

(Cody and Ted force Santa on his knees.)

Santa: Oh dear…

(Orton takes several steps back as he crouches down.)

(Orton gets on all fours and slithers like a snake.)

(Orton gets up and takes several mores steps back as he aims.)

(Orton charges.)

Ted: …

(Ted pulls Santa up as Orton kicks.)

SWISH

(Orton lands on the back of his head and knocks Orton out.)

Orton: ARGGHH

(Cody goes to check over Orton.)

Cody: You knocked him out! I didn’t ask you to watch Charlie Brown’s Christmas for you to do that!

(Ted grabs Orton’s upper body.)

Ted: Oh shut up and help me carry him out.

(Cody grabs Orton’s legs and they begin to carry him out of the workshop.)

Cody: Man, I knew starring in the Marine would make you do heroic things. And Randy’s not—

Ted: I’ll think of something on the way home.

(They leave as Santa looks out and waves them goodbye.)

Santa: Merry Christmas and many safe trips! HO HO HO!

(Back in the jet, Orton has awaken.)

Caption: An hour later.

Orton: So after I kicked Santa, a reindeer kicked me in the back of the head?

Ted: That’s correct. Right, Cody?

Cody: …

(Ted elbows Cody.)

Cody: Yeah, just like that until otherwise.

Orton: Well, it doesn’t matter. I ended Christmas!

(Orton does his pose with one hand as he uses the other to hold the back of his head.)

Cody and Ted: …

(Cody and Ted take a step back to talk as Orton continues to pose and separate himself from the rest of the world.)

Cody: What are we going to do next year?

Ted: You read comics. I’ll leave that to you. I’m going to my room to sleep.

(Ted walks off.)

Cody: …

(Cody nods to himself approvingly.)

Cody: Saga of the Santa Clones.

(Ted opens the door to his private room and sees a box at his feet.)

Ted: What?

(Ted reads a note on the box.)

Ted: “It took Santa a few years, but I found the perfect gift for you.”

(Ted opens the box to see a black little puppy.)

(Ted holds the puppy at his face as the puppy licks his nose.)

Ted: !

(Ted looks around and closes the door to his room.)

(Ted begins to smile.)

Ted: I think I’ll name you Virgil.

Ted: Do you want to bring me a basketball and lick my toes?

Virgil the puppy: Arp!

Ted: Priceless.

[Propeus The Fallen]

Hardcore Christmas Shopping.

(Hardcore Holly is entering a K-Mart, passing by a Salvation Army Santa.)

Hardcore Holly: Can’t believe I have to do this late minute shopping crap for my bitch nieces and bastard nephews.

Hardcore Holly: I don’t even have a fucking job thanks to that shithead Mr. Kennedy. I’d beat the holy hell out of the son of a bitch if I didn’t think I’d die within a week.

(Hardcore Holly is walking by a table for a family portrait.)

Woman: Sir, would you like—

Hardcore Holly: I’d like to go inside this crap store without some asshole bothering me with some stupid picture or retarded trip offer.

Woman: Well, I’m sorry…

(Hardcore Holly walking away as the woman gets angry.)

Hardcore Holly: I know that.

(Hardcore Holly is in the toy department with an eighteen year old worker.)

Hardcore Holly: Hey you, I need help finding some of your stupid crap.

Fred: How can I help you, dude.

(Hardcore Holly glares at Fred.)

Hardcore Holly: It’s sir. Jackass

(Hardcore sniffs Fred and pulls back.)

Hardcore Holly: Pothead jackass.

(Hardcore Holly digs into his pocket for a wadded up list.)

Hardcore Holly: Okay, I’m doing some Christmas shopping and the brats want…

(Hardcore Holly has a confused look on his face.)

Hardcore Holly: What the fuck is a Bakugan?!

(Hardcore Holly shoves the list back into his pocket.)

Hardcore Holly: Fuck it. He’s a boy. He gets a firetruck.

Fred: You mean Optimus Prime?

Hardcore Holly: No. I want a firetruck.

Fred: Dude, Optimus Prime is a transformer and a firetruck.

Hardcore: Look. I don’t want a…whatever the hell. I want a firetruck. A regular firetruck: red with four little wheels. Something a kid just rolls around on the floor. No fucking gimmicks—I HATE FUCKING GIMMICKS—just a firetruck.

Fred: …? Whuh?

(Hardcore Holly glares at Fred.)

Hardcore Holly: What begins with F and ends in UCK?

Hardcore Holly: FIRETRUCK!! Get one fucking now!

Fred: …

Fred: You sure you wouldn’t like a Harry Potter action figure?

(Hardcore Holly stalks towards Fred.)

Fred: Uh….!

(Fred goes sailing in the air and lands in toy section filled with Barbie Dolls.)

Fred: WWHAAAA

CRASSHHH

(Fred pulls himself out of the broken Barbie Dolls.)

Fred: Man, I hate these old dudes around Christmas—

(An Optimus Prime figure smacks Fred across the head.)

KRAK

Fred: Ow!

(Hardcore Holly is walking towards the electronic section.)

Hardcore Holly: Retard. It’s not a damn firetruck. And Michael Bay can kiss my ass.

(Hardcore Holly is trying to get into the electronic section, but a man and woman have a shopping cart blocking the way.)

Hardcore Holly: Move.

Man: Wait a second, buddy. Can’t you see me and the lady are talking?

(Hardcore Holly picks up the shopping cart and hurls it behind him.)

Hardcore Holly: RRRAAHHH

CLANK CRASSH

(The Man and Woman cower before Holly as Holly points behind him.)

Hardcore Holly: Talk the fuck over there! Or do I need to throw you trash too?

(The man and woman run past Hardcore Holly.)

Hardcore Holly: *****ies.

(Hardcore Holly is looking through the WWE section.)

Hardcore Holly: What a suckass collection of DVDs.

(Hardcore Holly comes across Survivor Series 2009.)

Hardcore Holly: Hell. My idiot relatives would like this. Only one too…

(Hardcore Holly goes to check out.)

Old lady clerk: Oh, hello.

Hardcore Holly: Let’s get to goodbye. I’m ready to check out.

(Hardcore Holly slams the dvd down on the counter.)

Old Woman: I’m sorry…I just haven’t been over in electronics in months and…

Hardcore Holly: You scan the motherfucker, I give you motherfucking cash. It’s not that damn motherfucking hard.

Old Woman: Alright….

(The Old woman scans it and sees a problem.)

Old woman: Oh my…this says that it’s not supposed to be on display yet.

Hardcore Holly: Yeah, well I found it with the other damn DVDs and I’m giving you money for—

(The old woman walks away.)

Hardcore Holly: Where the hell are you going?

Old Woman: I need to check something.

Hardcore Holly: Check? No money! The goddamn price is 14.99!!!

(Hardcore Holly has waited five minutes impatiently as the old woman returns.)

Old Woman: I’m sorry, but this isn’t supposed to be on sell until tomorrow. I can write your name down and…

Hardcore Holly: Tell me. Is my damn money going somehow be any different tomorrow?

Old Woman: Well, I would say not…

Hardcore Holly: Then what da fuck does a damn day matter?! Who do you think you people are?! Wally World?!

(Hardcore Holly notices several shoppers staring at him.)

(Hardcore Holly turns around.)

Hardcore Holly: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ASSWADS LOOKING AT?!!

(The customers run and some even abandon their cart and children as they run away.)

Old woman: Sir, I’m sure that—

Hardcore Holly: No! Fuck this! I’m not wasting anymore of my time here! The only fucking red K I want to see is on my cereal! It has iron! It makes you healthy, dammit!!!

(Hardcore Holly stomps out of K-Mart.)

Hardcore Holly: Screw them. I fucking hate this bullshit holiday.

(Hardcore Holly stops at the Salvation Army Santa.)

Hardcore Holly: …

(Hardcore Holly reaches into his pocket and throws out several dollar bills into the charity collection.)

Hardcore Holly: Here! Those selfish brats can do with some giving for one damn year!

Salvation Army Santa: Thank you. I wish we could do something to help you.

Hardcore Holly: You want to help me?!

(Hardcore Holly throws the wadded up shopping list in the collection pot.)

Hardcore Holly: You can deal with those pieces of shit for this year!!

Hardcore Holly: I’m staying home, drinking beer, and watching the Crimson Tide roll over the Longhorns! That’s how you spend the holidays and start a new year!!

Salvation Army Santa: ?

THE END

[Propeus The Fallen]

DX Home Alone with Hornswoggle.

(DX is watching Home Alone as they have a DX set up for Christmas.)

HBK: Hunter, we really should have done some of this with McMahon. A paint can tied with string! Why couldn’t we think of that?!

Triple H: Don’t-uh worry, Shawn. Tis a new year coming.

(The phone begins to ring.)

(HBK answers it.)

HBK: Hello?

HBK: …Yeah, he’s right here.

(HBK holds the phone to Triple H.)

HBK: It’s Kurt.

(Triple H takes the phone.)

Triple H: I AM DA GAME-UH! THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN-UH!!!

Triple H: …

Triple H: Yeah. Four tomorrow is fine-uh.

(Triple H turns off the phone as HBK tilts his head in confusion.)

HBK: What was that?

Triple H: Oh. That’s my carpool-uh. I just like-uh messing with them.

HBK: Pretty funny, but you can stop now.

Triple H: Stop-uh what?

HBK: Nevermind.

(Hornswoggle, wearing his version of the DX shirt, is sneaking through the dog door.)

Hornswoggle: Ah! Ahhhaaa!

(HBK cups an ear.)

HBK: You hear something?

Triple H: Great-uh. First a lazy eye-uh and now you’re going deaf-uh.

HBK: Hey! That saying something like that could hurt someone’s feelings!

Triple H: Shawn, if I wanted-uh to hurt your feelings-uh, I would have said I got you hair plugs for Christmas-uh.

(HBK settles back down.)

HBK: Oh. Thanks for thinking of me.

(Triple H smiles.)

Triple H: No problem-uh.

(Triple H wearily eyes a Christmas gift that is from Triple H to HBK.)

Triple H: nnneeeehhh

(Suddenly Hornswoggle jumps in front of them and begins to do crotch chops.)

Hornswoggle: AHHHHHHA RRRAAA!!

Triple H: Look, Shawn-uh, Santa left one of his mentally challenged-uh elves behind.

HBK: Yeah. And he’s….wearing that.

(Hornswoggle begins to showoff his shirt.)

Hornswoggle: Aaah aaaah

(DX gets up.)

Triple H: Hey, not only are you breaking-uh and entering, but—that.

(Hornswoggle points his finger at Triple H and Shawn as they are taken back.)

Hornswoggle: RRRAAK EIIOOO HHHKK KKK!

(HBK points to his head.)

HBK: Oh no. No way will you be able to use the parody loophole.

Triple H: Yeah, Shawn graduated fifth-uh in a class of sixteen at Wossamata U.

(HBK turns to Triple H.)

HBK: Wossamata U?

(Triple H glares at Hornswoggle.)

Triple H: Him.

(DX approaches Hornswoggle as he backs away frighten.)

Hornswoggle: !!

(Hornswoggle reaches behind his back and tosses a small wrapped gift at Triple H.)

Triple H: For-uh me?

(Hornswoggle nods his head.)

Triple H: I’m-uh still going to wale on you, but…

Srrrrkkk

(Triple H looks at his gift: a lump of coal.)

Triple H: Yeah. Same-uh thing every year-uh.

HBK: At least you got something. And I’m the good one.

(HBK cups his hands in prayer and looks up.)

(The Christmas light suddenly turns on a shines on Shawn for several seconds before turning off.)

(Hornswoggle reaches for a book of matches and takes one out.)

HBK: Just that? What am I gonna do with that?

(Hornswoggle extends a finger signaling for DX to wait.)

Hornswoggle: Ahh!!

(Hornswoggle lights the match and throws it at the coal, igniting it.)

THOOOOOMM

DX: !!!!

(Triple H drops the flaming coal as it catches the carpet on fire.)

FUUUMEE

Triple H: AAAHH

HBK: THROUGH COAL FIRE AND LEPRECHAUNS!!!

(Triple H and HBK each grab a couch cushion and use it to put out the fire.)

POOM POOM POOM

(An exhausted DX has put out the fire as Hornswoggle looks on.)

DX: uhh huff huuuu

(DX looks at Hornswoggle who does the DX crotch chop and runs away.)

Hornswoggle: RRAHHHHHHAA!!

(Triple H and HBK look at one another.)

(They nod in agreement.)

(Triple H and HBK go to a closet.)

(Triple H pulls out his sledgehammer.)

Triple H: Yeah-uh…

(HBK extends his hand for a weapon.)

Triple H: …

(Triple H reaches in the closet and pulls out a confetti gun.)

Triple H: There-uh ya go.

(HBK looks over the gun with the barrel pointed towards Triple H.)

HBK: Wow.

Triple H: !!!

(Triple H gingerly moves the gun away from him.)

Triple H: Hey! Watch-uh it, Johnny B. Badd.

HBK: I’m pretty like a girl.

(DX does their own special pose.)

(DX looks down to see that Hornswoggle is near HBK’s extended back leg doing HBK’s pose.)

(Shawn motions with his head towards Triple H.)

HBK: Psst. Pssst.

(Triple H nods his head as he slowly brings the sledgehammer down.)

(Triple H swings the sledgehammer, but Hornswoggle moves out of the way and hits Shawn’s leg.)

Triple H: Take-uh this!

KRACCK

HBK: YEEOW!

(HBK is withering in pain as Triple H checks on him.)

HBK: Bad owie! Bad owie!

Triple H: Shawn-uh! Are you okay?

(HBK pushes Triple H away from him.)

(HBK rolls on his back.)

HBK: …

(HBK kicks up.)

Triple H: !!!

(HBK shakes his leg.)

HBK: I’m good.

(HBK grabs his confetti gun and chases after Hornswoggle.)

HBK: Let’s get our pot of gold, buddy!

Triple H: …

Triple H: And I had to see Dr. Andrews.

(Triple H and HBK are crotched behind a corner as they watch over a box of Lucky Charm Cereal being used as bait.)

Triple H: You sure-uh, he’ll come?

HBK: Yeah. His kind love this stuff. That and shining shoes.

(Triple H fists bumps with HBK.)

Triple H: You ready-uh?

HBK: I’m ready.

(HBK fists bumps with Hornswoggle standing behind him.)

HBK: You ready?

Hornswoggle: Ready! HAA!

(All three peer over the corner.)

(DX’s eyes suddenly light up as they realize where Hornswoggle is.)

(HBK turns around as Hornswoggle grabs his hair and begins slamming his head into the wall.)

THUD THUD

HBK: Hunter! Hunter! He’s ripping out what hair is left!!!

(Hornswoggle lets HBK slide off the wall and Lou Thez presses Triple H.)

Triple H: AAAAAHHH

(Hornswoggle lets Triple H have it with both fists as he tries to cover up vainly.)

Triple H: Shawn-uh! Shawn-uh! He’s raining tiny fists of fury on my nose-uh!!!

(Hornswoggle rolls off and goes to the cereal box.)

Triple H: Aaaa…

(Hornswoggle picks out the marshmallows in his hand and eats him.)

Hornswoggle: Yum-yum!

(Triple H worriedly looks up at a grinning devilishly Hornswoggle.)

Triple H: Uh-oh.

(Hornswoggle begins shoving the cereal bits into Triple H’s mouth.)

Triple H: BLLLAHHH! No!!! They’re-uh the worse part-uh!!!

(Hornswoggle runs away as Triple H spits out cereal bits as HBK crawls over to him.)

HBK: I think we shouldn’t go to his level anymore.

Triple H: You…

(Triple H pulls out cereal bits from his hair.)

Triple H: …think-uh?

(Sometime later Triple H is chasing Hornswoggle down a hall.)

Hornswoggle: WWOOOOOAAAAHHH

Triple H: Shawn, he’s coming your way!

(Shawn is at the end of the hall as he sees them coming.)

HBK: Right!

(HBK gets in his stance.)

(HBK hits sweet chin music.)

THWACK

HBK: How did you like that!!?

(HBK looks at his side to see Hornswoggle who gives him the okay hand signal.)

HBK: …

(HBK looks over to see Triple H being held up by his still extended foot.)

HBK: …

(HBK looks back at Hornswoggle who nods his head before running off.)

HBK: Oh yeah. That didn’t work last time, did it?

(HBK slowly puts his leg down as a glaze eyed Triple H barely stands.)

HBK: You okay, Hunter?

Hunter: I’m fine-uh. See.

(Hunter does a Flair flop on his face.)

THUD

HBK: Hey! You need to tell Flair about that flop. It was great.

(Hunter looks up at HBK before his head falls again.)

Hunter: …

Thump

(DX armed with their weapons go into Triple H’s room.)

HBK: I’m tellin’ ya, I saw the little heathen come in here.

Triple H: Great-uh. Now I’m gonna get little people goo on my stuff-uh.

(Triple H is looking in behind a dresser as HBK thumbs through some pictures in a closet.)

HBK: Hey, Hunter. Why is there cut out magazine pictures of my wife in this shoe box?

(Triple H turns to talk to HBK as Hornswoggle climbs onto Hunter’s bed and closes his eyes.)

Triple H: Oh. Uh…that’s-uh…because you’re family, Shawn.

(HBK turns around as he talks to Triple H to see Hornswoggle asleep.)

HBK: Oh, well that’s—URRRRK!

(Triple H turns to see Hornswoggle in my bed.)

Triple H: Oh-uh, that bed’s not right for you-uh, Goldilocks.

(Triple H and HBK motion to one another to be silent as both prepare their weapons.)

(Triple H takes the lead as HBK follows behind.)

(They look down at a curled up Hornswoggle.)

HBK: …aw, he looks like a little angel when he’s asleep…

Triple H: ...yeah-uh…

(Triple H raises the sledgehammer.)

Triple H: …think what’ll he’ll look like in a few seconds-uh.

HBK: …

HBK: …ew…

Triple H: …right…

(Triple H brings the hammer down but Hornswoggle opens his eyes and rolls out of the way.)

(The recoil from the mattress sends the head of the sledgehammer over his shoulder and hits HBK.)

BOINK

(Triple H turns to see a collapsing Shawn as Hornswoggle jumps on the bed, preparing to strike.)

HBK: Oh. Little angels…

THUD

Triple H: Shawn! Don’t go to the light-uh!!

(Hornswoggle jumps on Triple H’s back and holds on by his hair.)

Hornwoggle: AAAATTTTYY

(Triple H turns and runs to try and buck off Hornswoggle.)

Triple H: AAAAAAAHHH

Triple H: He’s in my hair-uh! And there’s no Booker T to give me a towel-uh!!

(HBK begins to stand up as he aims the confetti gun.)

HBK: Eat small multi-colored cut up paper, hellish imp from Satan’s arm pit!!

(HBK fires.)

FLUFFF

(Hornswoggle immediately falls to the ground unconscious.)

Triple H: ?!!

(HBK blows his confetti gun as a piece escapes and gives him a paper cut.)

HBK: OW! Recoil!!

(Hunter and a blowing his finger HBK look down at Hornswoggle.)

(Hunter and HBK smile at one another.)

(Triple H and Shawn have Hornswoggle by his pants as they carry him as he kicks and screams.)

Hornswoggle: RRAAAAHHH

HBK: Not so tough after nearly burning our house down, brutally assaulting us, manipulating us to nearly crippling one another through zany misadventures, are ya now?

Hornswoggle: RRRAAA

Triple H: Yeah, pleading-uh ain’t gonna help ya! We’re gonna put you in a stocking-uh and leave you there to starve-uh!

HBK: No chestnuts for you!

(The trio pass by a window and stop to look out.)

(Outside they see carolers, Christmas displays of Santa and reindeer, and a manger display.)

(The three look at each other ashamed.)

(Sometime later the three are sitting together watching the rest of the movie. Hornswoggle is on HBK’s leg who bounces him on his knee.)

HBK: You ever think of trying that paint can thing?

(Hornswoggle shakes his head.)

(HBK pinches Hornswoggle’s cheek as Hornswoggle balls up his fists.)

HBK: Yeah. You like the hands on approach don’t cha!?

Hornswoggle: YAY YAY! HHHAA!!

(Triple H and HBK look at each other and nod as the credit’s roll.)

(Triple H turns off the TV.)

Triple H: Didja have a fun time-uh?

(Hornswoggle nods his head as HBK sets him down so he can stand up.)

Triple H: Good. Because now, it’s a minute past midnight-uh.

HBK: That means Christmas is over.

Hornswoggle: !!!

(Triple H and HBK have Hornswoggle by his pants again as they open the door.)

Triple H: On the count of three.

HBK: One.

Triple H: Two-uh.

THREE!!!

(HBK lands outside.)

Thud

HBK: Ow

(Triple H lands next to him.)

Triple H: Uh!

(They both look back at the door as Hornswoggle is acting like he is dusting his hands off and turns that into a crotch chop.)

Hornswoggle: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Ha Ha Haaa!

(Hornswoggle slams the door shut and locks it.)

SLAM

KLIQ

(DX looks at one another, dumbfounded by what happened.)

HBK: Told you he had cartoon powers.

Triple H: Yeah yeah-uh…

(DX picks themselves off the snow.)

Triple H: Well…wanna make lewd snowman in McMahon’s yard while he’s still-uh in the hospital?

HBK: Well, I’ll make ashamed at your lewd snowmen snowmen.

Triple H: That’ll work-uh!

(Hornswoggle looks out the window.)

Hornswoggle: …

(Hornswoggle pulls out mittens and a scarf from the inside of his hat.)

(Hornswoggle puts them on.)

(Hornswoggle does the Home Alone kid scream with hands clamped on his face.)

Hornswoggle: AAAAAAHHH

(Hornswoggle holds up two fingers signaling for a sequel.)

Hornswoggle: God bless us, everyone one.

[HalloweenJack]

pretty good stuff. i think the Legacy one was the best of the bunch. anytime you have Orton remembering Piper is good, and i always hear that Kill Bill siren in my head when he starts to flash back


and Holly's line about wanting to beat the shit out of Kennedy except he'd be afraid he'd be dead a week later was funny

[Propeus The Fallen]

Dr. Morris: Christmas Depression.

(Abyss is with Dr. Morris as Dr. Morris does not pay attention.)

Caption: Session one of the day.

Abyss: So then I heard that the Jeff Dunham show was canceled. I love that show!

Abyss: Have you seen it, Dr. Morris?

Dr. Morris: …no.

Abyss: Well, it’s great! There this one puppet who is a dead terrorist who always says—hee hee—I kill you!!

Abyss: That kills me!!! Me and Lauren used to watch it together but now…she’s…she’s…

(Abyss suddenly gets angry and crushes a box of tissues between his hands like he used to a few years ago.)

Abyss: RRRARRRRR!!!

(Abyss looks at the flying shreds of tissue paper.)

Abyss: …

Abyss: Dr. Morris, it looks like it’s snowing!

Dr. Morris: Sigh. That’s nice, Abyss.

Abyss: I like you better than my last doctor. He believed in hitting me with a rolled up belt strap.

Dr. Morris: …That’s nice, Abyss…

(Dr. Morris is now with Max Moon who is holding a caramel apple.)

Caption: Second session of the year.

Max Moon:…So that is how the age comes upon us, and only I, Jupiter James, with this…

(Max Moon shoves the caramel apple at Dr. Morris’ depressed face.)

Max Moon: It will lead the way for the savior of present future alternate timeline reality!

Dr. Morris: Sigh. That’s enough for today.

(Max Moon jumps up on his feet.)

Max Moon: Egads, the time stream has hit another ripple. I, Pickett Uranus, must blast off into Future Outer Space!

(Max Moon’s jet pack kicks up a puff of smoke as he jumps.)

Poof

Jump

(Max Moon shoots off his streamers in the office as they catch several plants on fire.)

Max Moon: Technology of the Future!!!

Dr. Morris: Sigh.

(Dr. Morris gets on his intercom.)

Dr. Morris: Ms. Winston? Please bring the fire extinguisher.

(Dr. Morris is slumping in his seat as the Boogeyman comes out of a closet.)

Caption: Session three of the day.

Crreeaakk

Boogeyman: Three blind mice, Three blink mice, see how they run…

(Boogeyman hits himself with his clock as worms fall out of his mouth.)

Crash

Boogeyman: I’m da Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ ta getcha!!

(Dr. Morris just stands up and picks up his jacket.)

Dr. Morris: Mr. Wright, could we please reschedule for some other time? Something urgent has just come up.

(The Boogeyman tilts his head as he thinks it over.)

(The Boogeyman slowly closes the closet door.)

Crreaaakk

(Dr. Morris is walking past Ms. Winston as he leaves the building.)

Ms. Winston: Dr. Morris, where are you going? You don’t normally go out for lunch.

Dr. Morris: I know, I know, I just…

Dr. Morris: I just need some air.

(Dr. Morris is walking on the sidewalk.)

Dr. Morris: I don’t even know why I bother. I haven’t helped a single one of my patients in years. I cure one thing and it seems that they find some new problem that I can’t help them with.

(Dr. Morris looks down an alleyway to see The Ripper and Beautiful Nightmare grabbing a woman wearing a fur red coat with a hood that covers her entire body.)

Dr. Morris: …

Dr. Morris: Paul?

The Ripper: I’m the bloody Ripper!

(Dr. Morris walks away.)

Dr. Morris: Like him. All my attempts at criminal rehabilitation have failed miserably.

(Randy Orton and Legacy walks past Dr. Morris.)

Dr. Morris: Randy, Teddy, and Cody, are you having a Merry Christmas?

(Randy Orton stops and walks back to Dr. Morris.)

(Randy Orton stares Dr. Morris in the eyes as Dr. Morris trembles.)

Randy Orton: No. But I will once I have landed the biggest legend. So you had best get your eggnog and laugh it all up. This is the very last Christmas.

(Randy Orton does his pose.)

(Dr. Morris cautiously walks around Orton.)

(Dr. Morris begins to run away.)

(Dr. Morris is walking along a store as a Salvation Army Santa is throwing away a scrap of paper in his collection pot.)

Dr. Morris: From being unable to establish relationships, to depression, to extreme fits of anger, I failed each of my patients. They simply never think of anyone besides themselves.

(Dr. Morris is walking in the park.)

Dr. Morris: It’s not just my own fault; I don’t get a single ounce of feedback from—

(Mr. McMahon dressed like Santa Claus riding an electronic sled drive by.)

Santa McMahon: Bah humbug to you and you modern medicine! All they need is lithium!

Dr. Morris: Sigh.

(Dr. Morris suddenly jerks his head up.)

Dr. Morris: That’s it. I’m going to quit.

Dr. Morris: I’m tired of dealing with human beings who could rip me apart at the drop of a hat. And…I’m sure they can all find someone else.

(Dr. Morris begins to walk back to his office as it begins to snow.)

Dr. Morris: Couldn’t do any worse than myself.

(Dr. Morris is walking back in the building.)

Dr. Morris: I’ll just come out and say it. Ms. Winston will land on her feet. She’s a tough one.

(Dr. Morris enters the building and he is taken by surprise.)

Ms. Winston: Dr. Morris! Welcome back.

(We see that the office has been decorated for Christmas as gifts and food are set out. Surrounding Ms. Winston is IRS, The Berserker, The Ultimate Warrrior, The ShockMaster, Goldust, Abyss, The Boogeyman, and several more of the crazier WWoW superstars.)

Dr. Morris: What is all of this?

(Goldust steps out from the pack.)

Goldust Well, Dr KKKRRR—Grinchhasslimeyjingleballs—Morris. We all appreciate what you’ve done for us—

IRS: Even though you’re a filthy tax cheat.

Goldust: --We decided to throw a Christmas bash in your honor.

(The Berserker slashes his broadsword around as The Shockmaster moves to only trip and fall on his face, knocking off his helmet, and scurrying to put it back on.)

Berserker: Hush Hush! This party is going to be crazy! Hush Hush!

THUD

The Ultimate Warrior: Right. We will have fun.

Dr. Morris: But I—I haven’t helped a single one of you.

(All the other wrestlers look at each other.)

Goldust: Of course you haven’t. We’re lost causes. But at least you keep trying. That’s more than anyone else can say.

(The Boogeyman walks out from the pack.)

The Boogeyman: I’m da Boogeyman—

(The Boogeyman holds out a Christmas present.)

The Boogeyman: --And I want to wish you a Merry Christmas.

(Dr. Morris examines the present and shakes it around to hear shuffling like dirt.)

(The Boogeyman smiles a wormy grin.)

Dr. Morris: …

(Dr. Morris places the gift down before joining the rest.)

Dr. Morris: Let’s get this Christmas party started.

YAAYYYY

(Everyone but Raven is celebrating as Raven is sitting against a wall.)

Raven: …

Raven: What about me, what about Raven?!

(Ms. Winston puts a plate of food at Raven’s side.)

Raven: …

(Raven slowly begins to eat.)

Raven: I wonder what I should get Tyler this year?

THE END.

[HalloweenJack]

heh. you really can weave the crazy and the sweet together fairly well, prop

[Propeus The Fallen]

Yeah, now I just need to finish those last two parts and finish the last two chapters of my Nightmare fanfic and all is well.

But first--NEW YEAR'S PARTY! 

[Propeus The Fallen]

Re do the last stories later, but tonight is a special night.


The Carpool: Divided.

(Triple H and Big Show are on one side and Kurt Angle and Shannon Moore are on another as they all eye one another. Triple H is driving and Big Show is chewing a bucket of chicken slowly.)

Big Show: Hey, Kurt.

Kurt: What?

Big Show: How big is your heavyweight champion AJ Styles?

Triple H: Nice-uh.

Kurt Angle: I say he’s closer to your fourth chin.

Shannon Moore: Tee-Hee.

(Shannon Moore gets happy and decides to join in.)

Shannon Moore: Hey, Triple H, what do all of your H’s stand for?

Triple H: What kind-uh of name is Total Nonstop Action for-uh a wrestling promotion?

Shannon Moore: You’re not supposed to answer a question with a question…

Kurt Angle: Shut up, gutterslut. You’re not even part of TNA…well, ever really.

Shannon Moore: But I got to meet Hulk Hogan and Scott Hall threw up on me.

(Shannon Moore whispers into Kurt’s ear.)

Shannon Moore: …I also have Jeff Hardy in the trunk…

(Kurt Angle turns around as Big Show and Triple H don’t look back or pay attention once.)

(The trunk opens up as Jeff Hardy stands up.)

(Hardy does his pose)

(Hardy swenton’s out of the car.)

WOOOSSHHH

Kurt Angle: !!!

(Jeff Hardy runs back and dives into the trunk.)

(Jeff Hardy gives the okay hand signal.)

(Jeff Hardy puts the trunk back down.)

Big Show: You hear something?

Triple H: Just you’re chewing-uh.

(The carpool is driving to a road leading to a bridge which is forked and has a sign over each path. One for RAW the other Impact.)

Kurt Angle: Hey, you’re going the wrong way.

Triple H: No, I’m going right-uh. To Raw is War. Where everyone will be there to see the return of Bret “The Hitman” Hart.

Kurt Angle: It’ll just be the same old bland penis stroking by Vince McMahon, it’s true, it’s true. Impact will be showcasing the stars of tomorrow!

Triple H: Stars of tomorrow-uh…

Triple H: What do you think the WWE has? Do you know how much harder it is to bury them now! Kofi, Swagger, Yoshi, and the OVW cranking-uh them all out…

Big Show: Yeah, and if you want to see Hulk Hogan watch VH1 or go to a video rental where they keep all the bad movies in the far distant corner!

Kurt Angle: Yeah, that’s nice talk coming from a fat gutterslut who was in Jingle All the Way!

(Big Show looks hurt and begins eating a bag of potato chips.)

Big Show: I was a great Santa…

(Kurt turns back to Triple H)

Kurt Angle: Yeah, and we also have great stars of now!

Triple H: So do we-uh!

Kurt Angle: Sting!

Triple H: The GAME-UH!

Kurt Angle: AJ Styles!

Triple H: THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN!!!

Kurt Angle: KURT ANGLE!!!

Triple H: THE KING OF KINGS!!

Shannon Moore: …Jesus?

(Everyone turns to Shannon Moore and shakes their head in disgust.)

(Triple H begins to talk to Kurt.)

Kurt Angle: Yeah, and besides Hogan, we got Scott Hall, The Nasty Boys and others coming.

Shannon Moore: I’m other!

Triple H: Pullin’ em out-uh of Double A meetings and rehab, aren’t ya-uh?

Kurt Angle: I’d rather see Scott Hall’s drunk off his Razor Ramon ass than Hacksaw Jim Duggan or IRS which you guys always crank out!

Triple H: Look-uh, you could reanimate the rotting corpse of Gotch and Dixie Carter takes-uh off her clothes-uh and stripteases all of Orlando, your stupid promotion wouldn’t get over 1.0 in the ratings!

(Triple H turns to mutter to himself.)

Triple H: …You should-uh know that from your first Impact show-uh…

(Kurt Angle glares at Triple H)

Kurt Angle: I didn’t quite get that. Your words must have got stuck in that nose of yours.

Triple H: I said-uh you didn’t do crap-uh to bring TNA up-uh!

Kurt Angle: Maybe if my wife was the boss’ daughter I could get push after push I didn’t deserve! Not like an Olympic Gold Medalist who broke his frickin’ neck for his country!

(Triple H focuses on Kurt Angle.)

Triple H: How’s Karen-uh? Should I ask Jeff and his-uh slapnuts?

(Shannon Moore and Big Show go wide eyed.)

Big Show: Uh-oh.

Shannon Moore: Eeek.

(Kurt Angle glares at Triple H)

Kurt Angle: What. Was. THAT?!

Triple H: Am I supposed to be scared-uh?

Kurt Angle: When you keep pressing buttons and turn on the wrestling machine, you bet your American apple pie you should!

Triple H: Maybe if I was-uh an African American female!

Kurt Angle: Macho Man’s sloppy seconds tell you to say that!

(Triple H and Big Show stare ahead as Kurt Angle and Shannon Moore look out.)

Kurt Angle: Hey, we’re going to Impact!

Triple H: Let’s take-uh a vote. All those in favor-uh of RAW say “Aye”.

Triple H: Aye-uh!

(Big Show does his raises his hand to the car roof in his chokeslam pose.)

Big Show: AYYYYYEEEEE!!!

Triple H: Opposed?

Kurt Angle: Nay!

Shannon Moore: Nay!

Jeff Hardy’s muffled voice in the trunk: Nay cuff cuff!

(Triple H and Big Show look around.)

Triple H: What the hell was that-uh?

Big Show: And what is that smell?

(Kurt Angle and Shannon Moore try to wave it off.)

Kurt Angle: …That’s not important! We won!

Triple H: No! Big Show counts as five people!

(Big Show thumbs his wrestling straps.)

Triple H: That and I’m-uh not going to a wrestling show where-uh they only have announced two diva matches.

Kurt Angle: Knockouts, you long nosed jackoff! And don’t mock what you haven’t seen.

Triple H: Then I’ll tell your exgirlfriends-uh to lay off the small penis jokes-uh when you come up. Which you didn’t in their-uh stories!

(Kurt Angle reaches for Triple H’s leg.)

Kurt Angle: I’m breaking your ankle, you bastard!

Triple H: Why you-uh--!!

(Triple H begins to elbow Kurt.)

(Big Show turns to Shannon Moore.)

Shannon Moore: ?

(Big Show smiles as he balls up his right fist.)

Shannon Moore: !!!

(Shannon Moore ducks as Big Show punches out a window.)

KERSSHH

(Big Show holds his injured hand.)

Big Show: ARRGGHH! MY EATING HAND!!!

Shannon Moore: Total Nonstop Action!!!

(Shannon Moore begins to girl slap Big Show’s chest.)

(In a small car, Cary Silkin is driving across the bridge.)

Cary Silkin: It’s such a nice day. Every day is good when you’re running a promotion that has great wrestling and a great vocal, supportive fan.

Cary Silkin: I don’t see how anything can go wrong…

(Cary Silkin looks ahead.)

Cary Silkin: !!!

(The Carpool Car is swerving across the road as it enters the bridge.)

SRRWW EERRRRR

Cary Silkin: AAAHHHH!!!

(In the Carpool Car, Kurt Angle has Triple H in an ankle lock while Triple H drives and Big Show is choking Shannon Moore as they look at Silkin’s car.)

Carpool: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

(Silkin goes off the bridge.)

CRASSHHHH

(The Carpool Gang gets out of the car and looks below the bridge.)

Shannon Moore: Are you okay?

Cary Silkin: Yeah. Hey, good luck tonight! You guys watch Ring of Honor on HDTV?

(The Carpool looks at one another.)

(Kurt Angle nods to Triple H.)

(Triple H reaches under the car to pull out a sledgehammer behind the wheel.)

(Triple H turns the handle up and lets the sledgehammer fall head first.)

THUD

Silkin: OW!

(The Carpool nods and approve of each other.)

Jeff Hardy in the trunk: Hey, is that that guy with the kidde porn stash! That’s nasty!

(Smoke suddenly seeps from the trunk.)

Jeff Hardy: This is extreme.

[HalloweenJack]

heh

[Propeus The Fallen]

And it works on so many levels after tonight. Seriously, I'm pissed off. TNA was a mess...like usual. And save for The Bret stuff, Raw as the same lazy ass booking.

[Propeus The Fallen]

RAW GUEST GM: Elmo

(Elmo is with John Cena.)

Elmo: Hello, everyone! Elmo is GM of Monday Night RAW.

Elmo: Today's letters: G...M...

(Elmo begins to tilt his head back as he waves his arms.)

Elmo: YAAAYY!!

(Elmo looks back to the camera.)

Elmo: Elmo promises to make entertaining programming for all ages, boys and girls. Yeah.

(Elmo looks over at John Cena.)

Elmo: Oh, and this is Elmo’s new friend, John Cena.

(John Cena tilts his ball cap at Elmo.)

John Cena: Thank you, Elmo.

(John Cena turns to the camera and goes into hyper mode.)

John Cena: And for you people! I promise! I guarantee that you will know your numbers! You will know the alphabet from A to Z. And let me tell you all!! Here on RAW, the Y is a vowel!! NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER!!

(Elmo tugs on John Cena’s shirt.)

Elmo: Oh! Oh! Mr. Cena. You part of a chain gang? Can Elmo join?

John Cena: I don’t know Elmo…

(John Cena begins yelling at Elmo’s face.)

John Cena: DO YOU HAVE HUSTLE!?

(Elmo does a puppet dance.)

Elmo: Elmo does!

(John Cena walks in a circle before leaping back at Elmo.)

John Cena: DO YOU HAVE LOYALTY?!

(Elmo nods his head.)

Elmo: Yep. Elmo loyal.

(John Cena does a soldier salute.)

John Cena: DO YOU HAVE RESPECT?

Elmo: Elmo put flowers on Mr. Hooper’s grave every year.

(Elmo suddenly lowers his head in sadness.)

Elmo: …it make Elmo sad thinking about it….

John Cena: THEN YOU ARE PART OF THE CHAIN GANG!!!

(Cena puts one of his ballcaps and shirts on Elmo.)

Elmo: Ohhhh

(Elmo has Cena’s merchandise on.)

Elmo: Elmo part of greatest gang ever!

(Elmo looks over to see Hornswoggle standing beside him.)

Elmo: …

(Hornswoggle shakes his head.)

Hornswoggle: Uh-uh.

(Hornswoggle showcases his DX shirt.)

Hornswoggle: Aaaaah Aaaaah!!

(Hornswoggle does the DX crotch chop as Elmo jumps back.)

(Hornswoggle runs off as Cena walks over to Elmo as Elmo is looking down.)

Cena: Bet you only see something like that in Grouchland. I see that everyday in the lockeroom.

(Elmo looks up at Cena.)

Elmo: Mr. John Cena, what he pointing at?

(John Cena rolls his eyes and walks backwards.)

John Cena: Ooooookayyyy….

(Elmo looks up and down as he moves his hands to his crotch.)

Elmo: Maybe Elmo has something there. Elmo see if he can find it.

(In the ring, Carlito is wrestling Chris Masters as Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and The Count look on.)

Michael Cole: Hello, everyone. This is vintage Michael Cole, Jerry “the king” Lawler, and our special guest The Count.

Jerry Lawler: So, Count, how chocolaty was your cereal?

(The Count looks over at the two Raw announcers.)

The Count: One bad announcer hahaha. Two bad announcer hahaha. Two. Two bad announcers.

(Masters and Carlito go out of the ring as Mike Chioda begins to count them out.)

Mike Chioda: One.

The Count: One count hahaha

The Count: Two count hahaha.

Mike Chioda: Two….

The Count: Three count hahaha.

The Count: Four count hahaha.

The Count: Five count hahaha.
 
Mike Chioda: Hey! Quit it! You’re making me lose my place.

(Michael Cole puts a hand on The Count’s shoulder.)

Cole: That’s vintage The Count.

(The Count looks at Cole.)

(The Count looks at the hand on his cape.)

(The Count lunges at Cole and knocking him behind the announce table.)

The Count: BLLLAAAAHHH!!!

Cole: AHHH! King! King! He’s not like one of the vampires in those movies I borrow dye jobs from! King!

(Lawler is looking over at Eve.)

Lawler: If she was just under fifteen she’d be perfect…

Eve: !!

The Count: One pint hahaha!

(Elmo is in the back with the Bella Twins.)

Nikki: You are doing a good job.

(Elmo looks to his right and left.)

Elmo: …

Elmo: How you right here when you there?

(Brie begins to rub Elmo under his chin as he shakes.)

Brie: That’s because we’re twins, silly.

Nikki: Say, you’re really cute.

(Nikki begins to rub Elmo under his chin as he shakes.)

Elmo: What’s happening?!

(Elmo looks down.)

Elmo: Oh. There is something down there! It’s another leg!

(The Bellas step away from Elmo in disgust as Elmo looks at the floor around him.)

Elmo: …

Elmo: Elmo wondering if maybe one of you two could…?

(The Bellas walk away.)

Brie: I think we tickled him a little too much.

Nikki: Yeah.

Elmo: That’s okay! Elmo will!

(A few minutes later Elmo is throwing tissue paper into an open trash can just outside his office.)

(Oscar holds up the tissues.)

Oscar: Alright. DNA Evidence. I coulda used this for Hooper. Heh heh heh.

(Oscar goes back into the trashcan.)

Oscar: Hey! Volkoff! Stop touching my stuff!

NEIN

(Legacy is walking along as they see Big Bird at the end of the hall.)

Randy: Him!!!

(Cody and Ted shake their heads and take a step back as Randy Orton flashes back.)

(Flashback to Sesame Street a few decades back as a Young Orton is sitting with some kids as Big Bird talks to them.)

Big Bird: Well, isn’t it fun using our imaginations?

(All the kids nod.)

Big Bird: Now does anyone here know someone named Rowdy Rowdy Piper?

(The kids look at Young Randy Orton.)

Big Bird: Well, Mr. Piper said you thought I was stupid and should be served for Thanksgiving.

Young Randy Orton: No, I didn’t say—

Big Bird: SQQQAAWWWWKKK!!!

(Big Bird begins pecking Young Randy Orton as he tries and curls up in a ball.)

PECK PECK PECK

Young Randy: OWWWW IT HURRRRTSSSS…!!!

(Back to now as Orton is steaming.)

Ted: Randy, I have a better idea that—

(Big Bird bends down as Orton starts to run.)

Ted: Sigh.

(Ted gets out his cellphone.)

Cody: What are you doing?

Ted: Just wait.

(Orton is about to kick when Big Bird jerks up straight.)

Orton: !!!

(Big Bird chases Orton past Legacy.)

(Cody looks like he’s going to run to help, but Ted stops him.)

Ted: Just wait.

(As Orton turns a corner, a steel chair hits Big Bird.)

WHAM

(Out of the corner, holding a steel chair, is the Gobbledy Gooker.)

(Orton steps over Big Bird and does his pose.)

(Orton suddenly RKO’s the Gobbledy Gooker.)

(Orton walks over and pats Cody on the shoulder.)

Orton: Good work, Cody.

Cody: Um, Thanks.

Ted: ?!?

(Elmo is in his office on a telephone.)

Elmo: No, no, no! No bra and panties! No one like that! Elmo want to see jump rope!

(Jericho and The Big Show walk into the room.)

Elmo: Oh!

(Elmo extends a hand for Jericho to shake.)

Elmo: Elmo is general manager. You want to be Elmo’s friend?

(Jericho and Big Show look at each other.)

Big Show: Hummph.

Jericho: No. I don’t want to be your friend. Do you know who I am?

Jericho: I am Chris Jericho. The first undisputed champion in the annuals of wrestling. I am the genius who has brought these leeches and dregs of society to this arena to…gaze upon this mockery of a marionette run promotion when no one with the ability for cognitive thought would enter this building.

Elmo: Oh…

Elmo: Hi, Chris Jericho! You want to see Elmo?

Jericho: Yes “Jericho want see Elmo.” Me and my partner want a rematch for the tag belts now.

Elmo: But your contract says that you not even supposed to be here like any letter with Q but U.

(Elmo holds up a contract with a crayon drawing and glitter on it.)

Jericho: …

(Jericho blows the sparkles off.)

Jericho: This is an official document. What did you do to it?

Elmo: Elmo drew picture! Mr. McMahon said he put over Shane’s on refrigerator.

(Jericho steps aside to let Big Show approach a trembling Elmo.)

Jericho: Let me explain this to you, you misbegotten collection of cotton and fibers, my big friend wants us to have a title shot tonight.

Jericho: And what he wants, he takes. Over you body or not. It's all the same to him.

Big Show: And I want all of Cookie Monster’s cookies too.

Elmo: Oh…

(Elmo points behind him as Sweetums and several of the larger muppets step up.)

Elmo: Elmo have big friends too!

Big Show and Jericho: !!!

(Big Show begins to back away.)

Big Show: …

(Big Show pats Jericho on the shoulder before he leaves the room.)

Big Show: It’s over, Chris. Just too many obstacles in our relationship.

(Jericho slips as he backs away out the door.)

Jericho: This isn’t over! Before it’s all said and done, the letters and number of the day will be Y2J!!

(Jericho leaves.)

(Elmo looks up at Sweetums and his muppet pals.)

Elmo: Well, show done. Wanna color?

(Sweetums and the other scary muppets pull out construction paper and crayons behind their back.)

Sweetums: Do we ever!

(John Cena walks up to Elmo and shows him a picture he drew on white paper.)

Elmo: Oh! What did John Cena draw!?

(John Cena shows up the picture as it is only red lines like a fire and a black rectangle a few inches below it.)

John Cena: It’s Sheamus!

Elmo: YAAAAYYY!!!

[HalloweenJack]

heh. that was good. was glad to see the Count go apeshit on Cole


and damn it to hell if Randy Orton doesn't have issues upon issues

[Propeus The Fallen]

He Wants An Answer, Undertaker!!

(At a haunted castle on top of a hill with storm clouds blocking out the sun.)

Caption: The Undertaker’s Home.

(The Undertaker is on a demonic throne as he watches a flat screen TV.)

TV: …And your weight loss is fifteen pounds.

Undertaker: Foolish, mortals. You may be giving yourselves years of life, but you only delay the inevitable.

(Undertaker rolls his eyes in the back of his head.)

Undertaker: And when your tomorrows be no more and only glimpse of yesteryears are all that you have left in your fading body, you will…REST IN PEACE.

(A phone next to the Undertaker rings.)

(Undertaker’s eyes return to normal.)

Undertaker: Yes?

Phone: How are you doing, Mark?

Undertaker: I’m not Mark. I’m the Undertaker!

Phone: Yeah, but do you know who the killer was in Friday the 13th? Um, wait…there was a reboot, right? Does Scream have a reboot so I an copy that first ominous question?

Undertaker: I don’t care.

Phone: Do you care about this question? I can see you now, sitting on your throne, watching your NBC—a dying channel, go fig…

Undertaker: What is your question?

Phone: My question…

(Shawn Michaels stands up from behind the throne as he is on his cellphone.)

HBK: Will you face me at WrestleMania, one more time?

(Undertaker glares at HBK.)

(HBK is thrown out of the castle.)

HBK: WHOOOOOAAA

THUD

(Undertaker is stepping away from the door.)

Undertaker: Idiot.

Diiiiiiinnnn doooooonnnng

Undertaker: Who dares enter my realm of darkness?

(Undertaker looks out a peep hole and sees a pizza delivery guy with a cap.)

Pizza guy: Pizza delivery.

(The Pizza guy shakes the box.)

Pizza guy: It’s a Tombstone.

(Undertaker slowly grabs the handle of the door.)

(Undertaker opens it and takes the pizza.)

Undertaker: Wait. Tombstones are store bought…

(Undertaker opens the pizza box to see toppings spelling out: UT vs HBK at WM.)

(Undertaker glares at the pizza guy who takes off his cap to reveal he’s HBK.)

HBK: C’mon! You and me! Wrestlemania! One more time!

HBK: Ohhh ohhh. Ohhh ohhh. It’s WrestleMania--!

(Undertaker slams the door on HBK’s nose.)

Undertaker: RRRRAAAHH!

SLAM

(HBK shakes a fist at the door.)

HBK: You may not give out a tip but I will get my answer!

(A few dollars is slid under the door.)

HBK: …

(HBK puts the tip in his pocket.)

HBK: Yay, I can buy Degeneration X merchandise at WWE.com.

(HBK takes off his pizza delivery to showcase a DX shirt.)

HBK: Plugs for merch and plugs for hair!

(The Undertaker is walking to a black limo waiting for him outside.)

Caption: A few hours later.

(The Undertaker gets in the back.)

Undertaker: Let us depart.

(The driver turns around to reveal it is HBK.)

HBK: Where to, Undertaker?

(HBK holds up a brochure for WrestleMania.)

HBK: Maybe…WrestleMania?

(UT glares at HBK as sinister smoke and a purple light suddenly appears around the Undertaker.)

(The Undertaker steps out of the limo.)

(The Undertaker adjusts his glove as he is going towards the driver door.)

(The Undertaker opens the door and grabs HBK by his throat.)

HBK: Gack

(The Undertaker throws HBK out of the limo.)

HBK: Yipe!

THUD

(The Undertaker gets into the limo and drives off as HBK picks himself up.)

HBK …

(HBK points a finger at the car and continues to point at it until it is out of distance, then HBK just points every which way before stopping.)

HBK: As god as my witness, I WILL GET MY ANSWER!!!

(HBK looks around.)

(HBK looks up at the cloudy sky.)

HBK: Did you get that?

(The clouds part as a star suddenly twinkles several times.)

HBK: Just checking.

HBK: …

HBK: Is Avatar really that good?

(The star twinkles again as other stars seem to join it in harmony.)

HBK: Oh, I’ll see it after I get my answer then.

(The Undertaker is at an open grave with a casket in it as he prepares to fill the hole.)

Undertaker: Now, while your soul is at peace…

(HBK suddenly pops out of the casket.)

HBK: My soul can’t be at peace until I get an answer!

(HBK steps out of the grave as he does his poses.)

Undertaker: …

(Undertaker remains motionless as HBK dances and parades around him.)

(HBK stops in front of the Undertaker.)

(HBK does the UT pose where he is on his knee and extending a hand.)

HBK: Now will you face me at WrestleMania one more time?

(Undertaker kicks HBK back into the grab and casket.)

KICK

SLAM

(Undertaker shakes his head.)

Undertaker: I only like the living when they’re dead. No talking.

(Undertaker turns around to see HBK behind him.)

HBK: What? Are you afraid? C’mon, one more time!

Undertaker: How did you—

(Undertaker reaches and opens the casket to find HBK in the UT pose.)

Undertaker: !

(HBK opens his eyes and blows the Undertaker a kiss.)

HBK: So have you thought it over?

(Undertaker looks over his shoulder to see HBK not there.)

Undertaker: …

(Undertaker looks back at Shawn in the casket.)

Undertaker: How did you do that?

HBK: The power of Christ compels me—and I’m compelling you to give me an answer!

(Undertaker slams the casket door back down, locking it.)

SLAM

CLICK

(Undertaker begins to levitate away as fog appears just over the ground.)

HBK in the casket: …

(The casket rocks a little.)

HBK: Um, a little help?

(Up at the sky, the same star twinkles on and off.)

HBK in the casket: …

HBK in the casket: Maybe a little something more.

(Undertaker is entering his castle as the lights are on.)

(Undertaker extends his arms as the lights go off.)

(Undertaker steps inside.)

(The lights come back on as HBK has turned on a light switch.)

HBK: I want an answer!

(Undertaker uses his arms to turn the lights off.)

(HBK turns the lights back on with the light switch to see the Undertaker is gone.)

CLICK

HBK: That’s not an answer!

(The Undertaker is walking down a street when a car pulls up to him.)

(HBK is in the car with Desmond Wolfe, Amazing Red, and Samoa Joe.)

HBK: Hi. This is my carpool…and they all want you to give me an answer!

Undertaker: Grrrrr

(Undertaker uses his strength to tip the car on it’s roof.

THUD

(Undertaker begins to walk off.)

HBK: Great support.

Desmond Wolfe: You dancing, prancing wanker. Why can’t you bloody well move on?

Samoa Joe: In the Nation of Violence taking no is not an option.

HBK: See, Desie, he’s giving me—

Samoa Joe: We only take lives.

HBK: GAHHH

HBK: I am starting a missionary in the Nation of Violence and bringing the Lord to you all.

Amazing Red: I’m the X-Division Champion, what do you think about that Shawn?

(HBK climbs out of the car.)

HBK: That’s nice, but it has to wait. The chase is afoot!

Amazing Red: …sniff sniff…I just want some approval.

(Samoa Joe smacks Amazing Red.)

Amazing Red: Is that how they give approval in—

Samoa Joe: No. That’s the universal sign of not liking someone.

(The Undertaker is at a newsstand where a guy is reading a paper.)

Undertaker: …

(The paper has a headline reading: WILL THE UNDERTAKER ACCEPT MICHAELS’ CHALLENGE?)

(Shawn puts down the paper as he is laughing.)

HBK: Marmaduke…the biggest dog in the world! He got stuck in the dog door again!! BWWAAHHHAA

HBK: Oh, and I’m like Garfield in that I hate Mondays when I don’t get—

(Undertaker grabs HBK with both hands and holds him over his head.)

HBK: arrccc is…iss…is this a yes…garraa…or a no…? I…can’t….doo…..rrrraakkiieee—sign language...

(The Undertaker’s eyes roll in the back of his head.)

Undertaker: Listen to me, Michaels. You will get my answer tonight on RAW.

(The sky suddenly turns violent and a violent wind knocks over the newsstand.)

Undertaker: I promise you this: if you bother me once more before tonight, I will see to it personally, with my own hands, that you die a slow and painful death. Let me be clear: I will butcher you, I will maim you, and I will make sure that you live long enough to experience every synapse of pain that is humanly possible. There will be no one to mourn your loss, no one to pay homage to you because I will ensure that there is not enough left of you to fit into a envelope.  You will just go away. Permanently.

Undertaker: Do you understand?

(Undertaker eases his grip.)

(HBK looks like he’s thinking it over.)

HBK: Do you want an answer now or later?

Undertaker: !!?

(Undertaker drops HBK in disgust and walks away.)

(Triple H walks up to HBK and looks on.)

Triple H: What’s his problem-uh?

HBK: Who knows?

[HalloweenJack]

heh. just like old Warner Bros. cartoons


and the "Where to Undertaker?!" line was great. keep it up

[Propeus The Fallen]

I'll finish the christmas arc sometime. I'll just cut off one of the stories since it was filler and I can do it next year since McMahon will never die.

Awesome Kong Kills Bitches For Haiti

(Awesome Kong is at a computer typing.)

Awesome Kong: Awesome Kong catch Sarita. Awesome Kong kill Sarita.

(Awesome Kong hits the enter button.)

Awesome Kong: Tweet.

(Awesome Kong looks outside to see several birds in a nest.)

Awesome Kong: …

(Awesome Kong does a scary face.)

Awesome Kong: RRRAARRRR

(The birds fly away, except the baby bird who falls to the ground.)

Awesome Kong: No tweet.

(Awesome Kong begins scrolling through accounts until she comes at Bubba The Love Sponge’s tweets.)

Awesome Kong: “**** Haiti! Why should we help one broke country when we have one ourselves?”

(Kong becomes enraged.)

Kong: GRRRRRR

(Kong reads another tweet.)

Kong: “And I don’t like black puppets either.”

(Cut to a Sesame Street house with Roosevelt Franklin in it who is on his computer.)

Roosevelt Franklin: Roosevelt Franklin. I say my first name first and my second name second…but I’ll always call you an asshole from beginning to end.

(Kong grabs the computer and throws it behind her.)

(Suicide is standing in the back as the computer just misses him and goes through the wall.)

(Suicide looks at the hole in the wall.)

Suicide: Sigh.

(Suicide reaches into his pocket and pulls out an air plane ticket to Haiti that he never used.)

(Suicide slumps his shoulders.)

Suicide: Sigh.

(Awesome Kong is stomping down the hall as Generation Me is talking to one another.)

Max: So I said—

(Awesome Kong glare at Generation Me)

Awesome Kong: …

Awesome Kong: New Team. New Hardy Boyz. REPLACEMENT DUKE COUSINS.

(Awesome Kong leaves.)

Generation ME: !!!

Jeremy: So what’s the cloth in the pants for again?

Max: It’s either to wipe sweat off your brow in a really long, tough match…or how you signal your drug pusher. Depends on which Hardy you’re supposed to be.

(Awesome Kong is walking down the hall when The Brian Kendrick blows smoke in her face.)

The Brian Kendrick: I am THE Brian Kendrick and I will be THE—

(Awesome Kong face palms the cigarette into THE Brian Kendrick’s mouth.)

THAM

(Orlando Jordan jumps in front of Kong.)

Orlando Jordan: Hello, have you seen Hulk because he—

(Awesome Kong knocks out Jordan with a single punch)

POW!!

(Awesome Kong begins to stomp ahead.)

(Awesome Kong stops.)

Awesome Kong: …

(Awesome Kong looks back at Jordan.)

(Awesome Kong shrugs her shoulders before continuing to stalk Bubba.)

(Bubba the Love Sponge is in the back with Borash.)

Bubba The Love Sponge: Look, you need to understand that Hulk has his own ways of doing things. What he does, he does to make you better.

Borash: But my office is now a janitor’s closet.

Bubba The Love Sponge: Well, you need to learn to share and Hulk saw that!

(Bubba puts a hand on Borash’s shoulder.)

Bubba: Look, You did a good job with your little bug eyes and the little TNA fans tried there best, but we need Hulk fans and TNA needs the guy who was the third shock jock in Chicago before being fired.

Borash: …

(Borash looks over Bubba’s shoulder an goes wide eyed.)


Borash: !!!

Bubba The Love Sponge: See. That. What the hell is that supposed to tell anyone about a situation?

(Borash begins to back away before running.)

Borash: MIIIIIIICCCKKK!!

(Bubba The Love Sponge calls after him as Awesome Kong cracks her knuckles.)

Bubba The Love Sponge: HEY, Mr. Bischoff said no! Oh, and if you see any AWA guy in the parking lot or a cardboard box near the arena, tell them to c’mon in. We need the ratings.

Bubba The Love Sponge: AND RETIREMENT HOMES!!

(Bubba The Love Sponge turns around to see Awesome Kong.)

Bubba The Love Sponge: What do you want?

(Awesome Kong punches Bubba and knocks him to the ground.)

POW

Awesome Kong: THIS IS FOR HAITI!!!

(Bubba the Love Sponge tries to crawl away.)

Bubba The Love Sponge: AAAHHHH

(Kong begins to reign down more blows on a fetal positioned Bubba The Love Sponge.)

Awesome Kong: THIS IS FOR HAITI!!!

Bubba: Why should—

POOOW

Bubba: --I—

CRACCK

Bubba: --LIKE HAITI—

THOOOMM

Bubba: --When it’s its fault for this?!!!!

POW POW

Bubba: EEEEEKKK

(A few days later on Bubba’s show with Hogan as his guest. Bubba is wearing sunglasses and his right arm is in a sling.)

Bubba: So I’m minding my own business, Hulkster…

Hulk: Brother.

Bubba: And then she sucker punched me. Naturally I could have pushed her off and decimated her with my testosterone powered fists of fury, but then I knew I could get fired. I mean I take out a woman and my TNA and radio career are over.

(Hulk gets out of his chair.)

Hulk: Well let me tell you something, brother! The Hulkster knows what it’s like when women get out of line. From Linda and her pool boy boyfriend dude, to Sensation Sherri racking backs, to high heeled shoes taking out eyes, brother!

Hulk: The truth is dude that she should get off the property. It was that violent, brother. You could have lost an eye, you could have lost teeth. That stinky, smelly Awesome Kong needs to answer, WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN HULKAMANIA WON’T LET IT SLIDE AND TAKES A STAND FOR A FRIEND ON YOU!?!!!

(Awesome Kong suddenly kicks down the door to enter the room.)

PUNT

Awesome Kong: Grrrr

(Hulk Hogan suddenly Hulks up.)

(Hulk Hogan points his finger at Awesome Kong.)

Awesome Kong: Orange Boss Man, move!

(Hogan shakes his head and shakes his finger signaling no.)

(Hogan picks up Awesome Kong in a slam)

Awesome Kong: ??!

(Hogan has a smile on is face.)

(Hogan’s face turns to a grimace.)

Hogan: Not again, brother.

(Awesome Kong falls on Hogan as he collapses under the weight.)

THUD

(Bubba The Love Sponge motions for Hogan to get up as Hogan withers in pain.)

Bubba The Love Sponge: C’mon! Hulkster! It’s like WrestleMania Three.

Hulk: I didn’t have a hip replacement in WrestleMania 3, dude!

(Awesome Kong approaches Bubba The Love Sponge who cowers in fear.)

(Awesome Kong pushes Bubba The Love Sponge aside.)

Bubba The Love Sponge: EEEEEE

(Awesome Kong gets on the sound equipment.)

Awesome Kong: Give relief, support, money, to Haiti relief fund. Kong find you not, Kong find and kill you all!!!

(Suddenly Max Moon jumps into view with a puff of smoke coming from his jet pack.)

Awesome Kong: ?!

Max Moon: I’m Pluto Peter Pepper and within a year Haiti will become the second wealthiest country in the world….

(Max Moon suddenly shoots streamers from his gauntlet.)

FZZZZ

Max Moon: IN ONE POSSIBLE FUTURE!!!

(Awesome Kong tilts her head in confusion as Max Moon pulls out a picture of Alissa Flash.)

Max Moon: Could you have her sign this? She’s big where I come from—even in zero gravity!!!

(Awesome Kong simply walks away.)

Max Moon: …

Max Moon: Well, enough frecking around! TO HALLOWEEN and TO SAVE THE FUTURE!

(Max Moon turns to Bubba The Love Sponge.)

Max Moon: And before you ask, no one likes you in Future Outer Space either.

(Max Moon begins jump away as a puff of smoke comes from his jet pack.)

THE END

[HalloweenJack]

I think that was your best in quite some time

[Propeus The Fallen]

Hey!

[Hal Jordan]

Yeah, it was.

[HalloweenJack]

Hey!

what? that's a compliment

[Propeus The Fallen]

Well, it makes it sound like the rest have been bad.

I do my best dammit!!!

...

Well, maybe my best goes into the Nightmare fan fic since I did research and notes, but you know what I mean.

[HalloweenJack]

i need to start reading that again btw


but no, none of them are bad. just the Kong one was extra funny

[Propeus The Fallen]

Let Me Off This Plane, Dude.

(Marc Lanciaux is waiting at a plane terminal for his flight to arrive.)

Marc: Finally, a chance to get home and see my family.

(Peegore in a pink polo shirt and white pants walks up to him.)

Peegore: My, my, my, isn’t it the man who makes all those wonderful noises?

Marc: …What are you doing here? I thought you never took a vacation day…and always worked overtime.

Peegore: Well, I do love my work, but I have to go see my boyfriend Billy. He’s so interested in me and what I do and and we talk talk talk while we’re in bed snuggling and—

Marc: Cut sound, camera three up three notch.

Peegore: Yes?

Marc: Sorry. Force of habit.

COWABUNGA, DUDES!

(Marc rolls his eyes)

Marc: Him too?

(Tyler Reks approaches them. He is carrying a surf board over his shoulder, not wearing a shirt, shorts, and flip flops.)

Tyler Reks: Like, how are you doing my hodad buds? Have some gnarly waves or just a few ankle busters or just hoppin’ for the beach bunnies to look at your woodie. Gotta take care of your stick so it doesn’t get a ding.

Peegore: I’m fine, I use lotion.

Marc: I don’t know what you just…

(Tyler Reks does a surfer hand signal before gesturing towards his trunks and his surf board.)

Tyler Reks: Just at The Avalanche shootin’ da curl and hitting the heavies in a most awesome manner, fer sure. Ladies lovin’ da daggers and da gun.
  
(Tyler Reks spots several attractive women from the corner of his eye.)

Tyler Reks: !!!

(Tyler Reks turns around and strikes a pose, when he does the surfboard hits Marc on the head.)

WHACK

Marc: Aaaahh

Tyler Reks: You beach bunnies like digging holes for surf on the most sandy of beaches?

Woman one: Sorry, but they don’t allow surfing on our beach.

Tyler Reks: Nah! Can’t have the vender make a living with no hot doggin’ with a meatball in the way and no side order of the honeys.

(Peegore helps Marc to his feet.)

Marc: What did he say?

Peegore: It is most unacceptable where restrictions are placed on surfing where a male cannot properly show off both skill and physical attributes to impress the female persuasion.

Marc: …How did you?

Peegore: I like surfers. They don’t wear shirts. That saves time for me to listen and--

(Reks turns around and hits Marc with the other end of the board.)

WHACK

Reks: C’mon, dudes, let’s, like, tap our huaraches and travel the gnarlatious skies like a glassy ruby. So amped for this.

Marc: …what?

Peegore: He said let us hurry forthwith to our air transportation with calm conditions.
Furthermore, he is very excited as well.

(Peegore helps Marc to his feet.)

Marc: I can’t stand—

Marc: …

Marc: Why are your hands in my back pockets?

Peegore: I’m doing a surprise Wellness expectation.

Marc: And how does this involve the Wellness Program?!

Peegore: I’m checking your temperature.

(Marc jerks himself away.)

Marc: You stay the hell away from me for the rest of my life!!

(Peegore sadly looks on as Marc leaves.)

Peegore: I hope he doesn’t live long, or I’ll always wonder what his colon feels like…

(Reks and Marc are watching their plane come in and people coming off.)

Reks: Dude, I’m like a gremmy to this flying. I mean, like, how do you curl and angle with that tin boogieboard?

Marc: Wait. How do you get to—

(Reks taps his board.)

Reks: My board and my baggies, bro.

Marc: Forget I asked.

(Reks suddenly goes wide-eyed.)

Reks: Like, most bogus I must say, like, fer sure.

Marc: What?

Reks: Your peepers to the shore, bro

(Reks points to the plane as Mr. Anderson comes off.)

(Mr. Anderson gets down the mechanical steps and stops with people waiting behind him.)

(Mr. Anderson extends his hand.)

(A microphone suddenly drops down to his hand from the sky.)

People: ?!

Mr. Anderson: Finally back to the land of the Packers and cheese is MIIIIIISTTER ANDERSON!

Mr. Anderson: …

(Mr. Anderson takes a step away from the motorized steps.)

Mr. Anderson:  …Anderson!!!!

(Suddenly the mechanical stairs malfunction and drive off with people clinging on for dear life.)

FZZZZZZ

VRRROOOOMMM

AAHHHHHH

CRASSSSHHHHH!!!

(Reks and Marc stare at each other.)

Marc: Okay…that’s just a coincidence.

Reks: Naw, bro. I was on the Banzai Pipeline coffin’, takin in the sun when I see that dude making a sandcastle and this and I get blown out by this crusher! I was, like, almost dead and totally bummed.

(Marc motions for them to go to the plane.)

Marc: Look, it’s nothing. It’s not like the guy causes unrepairable damage wherever he goes.

(Cut to TNA arena with the six-sided ring with two sides has fallen completely off.)

Ring maker: Never seen anything like it. Clean cuts on both sides.

(The Ring Maker begins to cry.)

Ring Maker: TNA will never be the same.

(Reks and Marc are in the plane. Reks has a window seat.)

Reks: Dude, I feel like I just have a Neptune Cocktail while I’m drop kneeing…

(Reks sees the wing move.)

Reks: Dude! Like, it’s falling off and stuff! We’re going to get nailed when we takeoff!

Marc: It’s a wing. It does that. Like a bird.

Reks: If man were, like, destined to, like, shred the air, we’d be given wings and beak and junk.

Marc: And what about surfing?

Reks: Dude, Kahuna made the board for bitchin’ outrageous, stokin’, surfari.

(The engine of the plane begins to hum.)

(Reks jumps out of his seat.)

Reks: What’s that!!?

Marc: It’s the engine! Sit down!

Reks: I heard that swell on the Wedge! Dude, we are not walking the board! Not goofy footing here, bro!  Sano is not the name of the blue skies above or plane!

(A stewardess approaches Reks.)

Stewardess: Sir, is something wrong? Did you lose your shirt?

Reks: Like, enough is enough! I’ve had with these bogus fucking snakes in this bogus fucking plane!

(Everyone looks at Jake Roberts.)

Jake Roberts: …

(Jake Roberts reaches below his seat for a giant bottle of whiskey.)

Jake Roberts: Well, feelings hurt. Good enough for me. GLUG GLUG

(Reks stands in the middle of the aisle.)

Reks: Dudes and dudettes, I like, need to say: IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, GET OFF THE PLANE!!! YOU’LL EAT IT!! WE’LL ALL EAT IT!!!

(Reks runs off the plane as everyone else but Marc stays.)

Marc: Don’t listen to him! He doesn’t know anything! He just smokes pot, surfs, and wrestles occasionally on Superstars!!

(Marc looks around to see him and the stewardess are the only one left in the area.)

Marc: …

Stewardess: Would you like a bag of peanuts?

Marc: Hell yeah, I want a bag of peanuts.

(Several hours have passed as the plane is flying in perfect weather.)

Caption: A few hours later.

(Marc is on his lap top.)

Marc: …And thank you Tyler Reks for delaying my flight. Nice knowing ya.”

(Marc closes the lap top as he looks outside.)

Marc: I guess I shouldn’t complain. I mean, it’s just me: peace and quiet. Heck, it’s almost like being famous and riding a limo.

(Marc looks out to see the engine of a wing blow.)

PPPPFFF

Marc: !!!

(Marc calms down.)

Marc: Heh. There’s more than one engine. This is nothing to worry about.

(All the engines give out at once.)

Marc: !!!!

(Marc calms down again.)

Marc: Hey, no problem. I bet I have my own Chelsey Sullenberger. He’ll land the plane safely in the ocean.

(Marc looks out the window to see the pilot, co-pilot, and stewardess parachute out of the plane.)

Marc: !!!

(Marc tries to get up, but his seatbelt is stuck.)

Marc: ERRRKKK

(The plane begins to nose dive.)

Marc: …

(Marc closes his eyes and leans his head back.)

Marc: Nevermind.

SPLLLLASSHHH!!!

 

[Propeus The Fallen]

Hart Attack

(Mr. McMahon is running in a heavily shadowed building.)

Mr. McMahon: Huff Huff.

(Mr. McMahon turns to look back as a figure is slowly following him.)

Mr. McMahon: Leave me alone, dammit!!

(Mr. McMahon turns a corner.)

(The figure takes a step and through a small strand of light we can see he is wearing a white boot with a skull and wings attached to a heart.)

(Mr. McMahon hits a dead end.)

Mr. McMahon: No! No Dammit!!!

(Mr. McMahon hears the figure coming as Mr. McMahon begins to pull at his ear lobe.)

Mr. McMahon: AAAHHHH!!!

Thud thud thud thud

(Mr. McMahon begins pounding at the wall with both hands.)

Mr. McMahon: This can’t happen to me! Gunned down like a lowly independent promoter! I’m Mr. McMahon, dammit!!!

(Mr. McMahon turns around as the figure is just a step away from stepping into the light.)

Mr. McMahon: You can’t do this to me! I’m Mr. McMahon!!

Mr. McMahon: Just who the hell do you think you are!?

(A small pink sparkle shines through the light.)

I’m the best there is, the best there was…

(Bret Hart steps out of the shadows holding a gun at McMahon.)

Bret Hart: …And the best there ever will be.

Mr. McMahon: No! No Bret! It wasn’t me! It was—it was…it was those damn degenerates! The tricked us both! I was always on your side, Bret! Even when--

(Bret Hart begins to aim the gun at Mr. McMahon’s head.)

Mr. McMahon: Shane! It was Shane! He took after his mother—being a no good bitch!

(Bret has the gun aimed at Mr. McMahon’s head as Mr. McMahon begins to beg on his knees.)

Mr. McMahon: I didn’t know if you’d take the belt with you! It was just one match! It’s been over a decade! Bret!

(Bret Hart pulls his sunglasses over his forehead with his free hand as his finger is on the trigger.)

Bret: That one match was in Canada.

Klik

Mr. McMahon: Bret…!!

Mr. McMahon: BREEETTT!!

BANG!!

(Mr. McMahon wakes up in bed.)

Mr. McMahon: AAAAHHHH AAAHHHH!!!

(Mr. McMahon looks around to see that he is unharmed and his wife covered up next to him and it was just a dream.)

Mr. McMahon: Just a dream…just that damn dream!

(Mr. McMahon tries to stir Linda.)

Mr. McMahon: Linda, it was that dream again. They’ve been getting worse and worse ever since I let that ingrate Bret Hart on Raw.

Mr. McMahon: Linda, do you hear me?

(Mr. McMahon turns Linda over to instead find Bret Hart.)

Bret Hart: Who screwed Bret now?

(Mr. McMahon wakes up in bed with Linda next to him.)

Mr. McMahon: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Linda: Uhhh…

(Linda looks up to see a frightened Mr. McMahon.)

Linda: Vince…was it that dream again…?

Vince: Yes.

Linda: He didn’t…

Vince: No, he wasn’t dressed like a hillbilly and didn’t throw me on Hillbilly Jim’s stained bed mattress. But he made me think that…

(Linda turns over.)

Linda: Then go to sleep. I have to give a speech to potential voters tomorrow.

(McMahon stands up and goes to his window.)

McMahon: He’s out there somewhere. Twelve years and now…he’s finally…

Mr. McMahon: !!!

(Mr. McMahon looks out the window to see a figure wearing pink and black tights standing close to a streetlight before stepping back into the darkness.)

(Mr. McMahon goes back to bed and sits up, curled in a ball as he looks around.)

(Mr. McMahon wakes up with his eyes still closed as he feels for Linda.)

Mr. McMahon: Linda the balls the size of grapefruits and the genetic jackhammer need to…

Mr. McMahon: Humph. Gone already. That no good bitch, right when I need to relieve some stress.

(Mr. McMahon opens his eyes.)

Mr. McMahon: !!!

Mr. McMahon: ARRRRHHHH

(Above McMahon the ceiling is covered in numerous Bret Hart posters.)

(McMahon jumps out of bed.)

(Mr. McMahon runs to a phone that begins to ring.)

RING RING

Mr. McMahon: …

(Mr. McMahon cautiously picks up the receivers and jumps back like he expects it to explode.)

Mr. McMahon: Gulp.

Mr. McMahon: Hello?

Phone: I visited you last night, hoping to catch up on old times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to wake you. It’s the only time you could ever be mistaken for an angel.

Mr. McMahon: It’s you, isn’t it, you spiteful, ungrateful son of a bitch! How the hell did you get into my home?!

(Mr. McMahon’s face goes white.)

Phone: I’m the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.

Mr. McMahon: Now, Bret, you won’t get any justice if you…if you do what you plan on doing to me….

Phone: Justice is for society, to show that we are all connected by bonds of law and basic human decency…

Mr. McMahon: Good! Good! I’m glad that we got this sorted mess finally resolved so that we—

Phone: What I’m doing is just for me. It’s vengeance, Vince. Twelve years overdue.

Phone: Oh, and that light just above your head needs to be changed. You house servant on vacation called you about that two nights ago and you never go to it. You need all the light you can get.

CLICK

Mr. McMahon: Don’t you threaten me! I made you! Bought your father’s sorry promotion and made you a star! And I can unmake you again, sending WCW was the least I could do to you, you--!!

(Mr. McMahon grabs the phone and slams it to the ground.)

Mr. McMahon: RAAAAAA

KRACCK

Mr. McMahon: You think I’m a coward, that I’m scared of you!?  I butchered the NWA, annihilated WCW, beat the Federal Government, and….The XFL had unlimited potential before NBC pulled a Conan on me! Do you—

(Mr. McMahon looks up at the light above his head.)

Mr. McMahon: …

(Mr. McMahon turns the light on to find that one bulb needs to be changed.)

Mr. McMahon: !!!

(Some time later Linda is coming back.)

Caption: Several hours later.

Linda: Vince, it’s time for the press conference. Everything is set up, but I need you by my—

Linda: !!!

(Linda is watching as the house has been torn upside down as Mr. McMahon is prying the boards to the floor off.)

SKKRRRRRUU

Mr. McMahon: Where is it?! Where did he put them?!

Linda: Vince! What are you doing!?

(Vince runs to Linda.)

Mr. McMahon: It’s Bret, Linda! He’s watching me! He’s got surveillance equipment in our home! They’re in the walls and floor!

(McMahon points to several walls that have holes knocked into them.)

Linda: Vince!!

McMahon: And the phones! He’s bugged them! I bet he even heard me and my mistr—er, Ms…Ms Young. I like that old gal.

(Linda begins to pull Vince out of the house.)
 
Linda: I know you’re a wrestling promoter, but this is too much. We’ll talk about this after my public meeting.

(Linda is backstage with Vince, who is looking over his shoulder.)

Linda: They are signaling for us to come up. Now where did I--?

(Vince hands Linda some small notes.)

Vince: Here…here you go.

Linda: My speech. Thank you.

(Linda walks out ahead as Mr. McMahon peeks out from the curtains and quickly dashes behind Linda.)

Linda: Now, my fellow Connecticut people, I want to begin with what I want to do to keep your children safe:

CLAP CLAP

(Linda looks down at her notes.)

Linda: “I will build a wall separating America from Canada to keep…”

Linda: What in the…

(Mr. McMahon gets on the microphone.)

Mr. McMahon: And snipers! Snipers on each section to keep Bret Hart out of America! You don’t know him! You may think he’s your typical maple syrup drinking, hockey loving Canadian, but he is a cold hearted killer!!!

Linda: Vince! Stop!

(Security begins to pull Mr. McMahon away.)

Mr. McMahon: He was trained in his basement called The Dungeon and his father wrestled bears! Does that sound like normal upbringing!? No! It’s the upbringing of an assassin!!!

(Linda looks around.)

Linda: …

(Linda frowns.)

Linda: I’m almost a worse candidate as Martha Coakley.

Everyone in audience: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

(Mr. McMahon is thrown outside as a parent and child are walking past him.)

Mr. McMahon: Dammit! He’s going to kill me!! The car bombing! The stage falling oon me to crush my spine! It was him! It was always him all along!!

(Mr. McMahon looks at the kid as he is wearing pink shades.)

Mr. McMahon: Where…where did you get those?

Kid: Oh, I saw a nice man who had them. He saw me looking at them and decided to let me have them. He was super nice.

(McMahon grabs the kid and begins to shake him.)

Mr. McMahon: Where is he!? Where is he now!? Tell me!!

Kid: Moommmmyyyy!!!

(The mother hits McMahon with her purse.)

WHACK

Mr. McMahon: AWWWWW

(Mr. McMahon looks around as the mother leads her child away until he is left alone.)

Mr. McMahon: It was all your fault, Bret! All you had to do was drop the belt in Montreal! If had just done what I asked, none of it would have went down, Bret!!

(Gun shots are fired inches from Mr. McMahon’s feet as he jumps back in shock.)

BANG BANG

Mr. McMahon: You cowardly fraud! You hear me! You’re not a champion! You weren’t big enough! That’s why I gave the belt to Yokozuna!!

(Mr. McMahon rolls to his left as gun shots are fired at him again, just inches from connecting.)

BANG BANG BANG

(Mr. McMahon is crying as he stands up and extends his arms, opening himself up.)

Mr. McMahon: Just end it, Bret…one way or the other, just end it!!!

(On a rooftop several blocks away, Bret Hart has a sniper rifle scope aimed at Mr. McMahon’s head.)

Bret Hart: …

Mr. McMahon: I swear, Bret, if you don’t end it now! I’ll end you…on PPV!!!

(Bret closes one eye as he begins to aim.)

Bret: …

(Bret shakes his head as he lowers his sniper rifle.)

(Bret stands up and straightens out his leather jacket.)

Bret: No. You live with it. You have 11 years and 343 days to live with it.

(Bret looks at his watch.)

Bret: And I have someone else who I need to see.

(HBK is at a park bench waiting as Bret approaches.)

HBK: Hey, there you are!

(Bret stands over HBK.)

HBK: I know we have some bad history, but I want you to know I’m sorry. What do you say? Friends?

Bret: …

(Bret sits down next to HBK.)

Bret: I’m the kind of guy who carries a grudge, Shawn.

HBK: Great to hear! Especially after me and Hunter blew up your house when—

Bret: That was you?! I had pictures of Sunny in there!

(Bret reaches into his leather jacket pocket.)

HBK: Wait, wait! I’ve got you something.

(HBK whistles.)

HBK: Consider this payback in full.

(Hornswoggle runs up dressed like HBK)

Hornswoggle: AHHHHHAAAAA

(Hornswoggle begins to do HBK’s poses.)

Bret: Heh.

HBK: Glad ya liked it, Hitman!

(Hornswoggle then stops and begins to smile.)

(Hornswoggle puts a hand over his mouth.)

(Hornswoggle removes his hand as he is no longer smiling.)

(Hornswoggle desperately feels his face.)

Hornswoggle: AAAHHH!!!

(Hornswoggle begins looking under a rock and behind Bret Hart.)

Bret: ?

(Hornswoggle then begins to fake a knee injury.)

(Hornswoggle turns to them both and shrugs his shoulders.)

HBK: …

HBK: I thought I told you no improvising?

THE END

[Propeus The Fallen]

DX: Helping a friend.

(Triple H is walking down a hall.)

Triple H: Shawn-uh! C’mon!

Triple H: I know-uh, you’ve had it rough-uh, but look…

(Triple H pulls out some glow sticks.)

Triple H: I’ve got-uh glow sticks!

(Triple H waits around for HBK to show up.)

Triple H: …

Triple H: Dang. He’s usually like-uh a moth.

Caption: Dang. Welcome to PG WWE, America.

(Triple H throws the glow sticks behind him as he continues.)

Triple H: Shawn!

(Triple H turns a corner.)

Triple H: !!!

(Triple H is talking to someone.)

Triple H: Shawn, you-uh look horrible! The smell and the clothes-uh!

(A depressed HBK walks up behind Triple H.)

Triple H: I mean, dear lord! And you’ve gotten so dumpy-uh! And your hair-uh! It’s falling out!

(HBK looks himself over before pushing his long hair inside of his cowboy hat.)

Triple H: And…aw, you’ve lost your smile-uh again!

HBK: Um, Hunter? Who are you talking to?

Triple H: !!

(Triple H looks at Shawn.)

(Triple H looks back down at Raven who is sitting on the ground.)

…

(Triple H bends down and examines Raven.)

Triple H: You’re right-uh. I should have known it wasn’t you because of the stupid cowboy hat.

(HBK has a hurt expression as he clutches his cowboy hat.)

Triple H: No! No! I meant-uh…

(Triple H puts an arm over HBK as he walks off with him.)

Triple H: Look, I know-uh you’re feeling bad, but your old buddy is going to cheer you up-uh.

HBK: Aren’t you also the guy who had me brutally beaten by The Corporate Ministry and attacked me with a sledgehammer numerous times?

Triple H: Yeah, I get around. A lot lately in this neverending story-uh.

(DX walks off.)

Raven: What about me?! What about Raven!?

Triple H off-screen: What about you-uh!

(Raven gets even more depressed.)

Raven: I wish I was Johnny Polo.

(DX is walking down the hall as HBK spots Randy Orton on a cellphone.)

HBK: !

(HBK pushes Triple H back.)

HBK: Stand back, Hunter. I know what can help me feel better about myself.

(HBK bends down exposing his head as Orton notices him.)

Orton: You listen here, I partnered with you, but what I do outside of our plans is none of your business and I had better not see that B--

Orton: …

(Orton stares at HBK.)

Orton: I’ll get back to you.

(Orton throws the cell phone away.)

(Orton slithers on the ground.)

(Orton pounds his hands on the ground.)

(Legacy walks up to Orton as he is standing back up.)

Cody: Hey, Ted just bought Pepsi, you want to go to Atlanta, Georgia and wreck Coke-a-Cola headquarters?

Ted DiBiase: I plan on selling it to China for five times the profit. And maybe three times the pee.

(Orton hits Cody Rhodes and pushes Ted DiBiase back.)

POW PUSH

(Orton glares at Rhodes and DiBiase)

Orton: STOP INTERFERING!!

(Orton runs at HBK.)

(Orton has his leg up to punt HBK but stops in mid punt.)

Orton: …

HBK: ?

(HBK motions with his head for him to punt him.)

Orton: …

(Orton does his pose before waving Michaels off.)

Orton: I don’t consider you a legend after the last few weeks of  failure.

HBK: AH
(Orton walks away as he walk up to Kofi Kingston.)

Orton: And I don’t consider you a main-eventer because you botch too many moves.

(Orton walks away only to stumble across over his feet.)

Orton: !!!

(Orton stares at Kofi who smiles back at him.)

Kofi: Mon, you’re Ghana need to tie your boots!

(Triple H walks over to HBK.)

Triple H: Aw, don’t-uh take it so bad…

(Triple H reaches behind HBK and pulls out a sledgehammer.)

Triple H: …I know-uh how to handle him.

HBK: …

HBK: Did you pull that out of my rear?

Triple H: Yeah-uh. Been awhile since something this long was up there like in the old days-uh.

(Triple H smells the head of his sledgehammer.)

Triple H: It smells like frankincense.

Triple H: You catholic, Shawn-uh?

(HBK sadly walks away as he puts his hands over his butt and eyes Triple H cautiously.)

Triple H: Yep. Catholic-uh.

(DX walks up to Santino who has a white scarf over his neck.)

Santino: Breakbroken Kid, Triple K, it is-a me. Santino! Star of the new hit DubbdubbE hit sitcom on the inner webs!

Santino: I’m-a gonna be as big as Mattie LeBlanc!

HBK: I guest starred in Baywatch.

(Santino flips his scarf at HBK.)

Santino: Humph!

SMACK

(Santino begins to walk off with his nose in the air.)

(Santino walks back to talk to Triple H.)

Santino: But Santino did love-a you in Blade Three. You sucked marvelously!

(Santino walks off.)

(HBK looks sad as Triple H smiles.)

(Triple H looks back at HBK.)

Triple H: Oh c’mon-uh! If acting talent was money, I could pay off Wesley Snipes bills and buy breakfast for Nicolas Cage.

(DX is walking along.)

HBK: I really wanted to fight the Undertaker…I mean, I would have lost, but I wanted to end the streak so bad!

Triple H: Hey-uh. So you don’t get to fail at a dream you focus on maybe once a year. You still have your looks.

(DX walks up to Chris Masters and Eve.)

(Masters begins to make his pecs dance.)

(HBK tries to make his pecs dance.)

HBK: RRRRRHHH

HBK: …

(HBK does his usual dance routine around a stoic Eve.)

Eve: So not a sexy boy anymore.

(Eve walks away with Masters.)

HBK: AAAHHH!

(Triple H is thinking as HBK sadly does his dance and poses.)

Triple H: …

Triple H: I got it! I know how you can face-uh the Undertaker at-uh WrestleMania!

(DX is playing Raw vs. Smackdown 2009 for the Wii as they are in the Royal Rumble.)

HBK: You’re right, Hunter! This is making me feel better.

(HBK pushes Triple H away as the character controlled by him is eliminated by HBK playing HBK)

BUMP

Triple H: …Glad-uh you like it.

HBK: Yeah, now I just need to eliminate one more person and…

(As Batista enters PLAYER THREE INSERTED appears on the screen.)

DX: Huh?

(DX look towards the ground as Hornswoggle has his controllers and waves at DX)

Hornswoggle: HHHAAAA AAAHHH

(Game Batista begins to unload on computer HBK.)

HBK: NOOOOO!!!

Triple H: Do something-uh!

(HBK flings his arms and legs around erratically.)

HBK: I’m trying! He’s like a demented Captain N!!!

(Computer HBK is holding onto the ropes as computer Batista begins to slap at his hands. As this is going on HBK is leaning back, desperately grasping at invisible ring ropes.)

HBK: NNYAHHH!

(Shawn looks over at Hornswoggle for a shred of mercy, but he does the DX crotch chop.)

(Computer Batista eliminates computer HBK and wins the Rumble.)

(Shawn falls to the ground.)

THUD

(Hornswoggle looks down at HBK.)

Hornswoggle: …

(Hornswoggle grabs HBK’s cowboy hat and puts it on as he begins to do HBK’s poses around him as HBK looks on.)

Hornswoggle: AAAA AHHH Sexy Boy! HHHAAAAAA

(HBK grabs Hornswoggle)

HBK: Why you little!!!

(Triple H steps back as HBK and Hornswoggle roll around the ground.)

Triple H: You know-uh what? Getting all of that anger out will-uh help you more than anything.

(Triple H walks out of the room and closes the door.)

POW POW POW THUD CRACCK

Triple H: Well, it sure sounds-uh like Shawn is…

(A crawling HBK opens the door and tries to escape, but is being dragged back in.)

HBK: AHHHH

HBK: Playing WWE games on the Wii nonstop has made him Hulk Hogan level…and I’m just a show stopper!!!

Hornswoggle: GET OVER HERE—HAAAAA

(HBK reaches for Triple H.)

HBK: Help…Me….

(Triple H looks like he is going to help, but pulls back.)

Triple H: Shawn…I’m working through-uh some stuff too-uh.

Triple H: I’m kinda mad-uh about what you did to ME-uh at the Rumble.

HBK: !!!

(Triple H pushes HBK back in the room with a foot to his forehead.)

HBK: Okay! Just for that! I’m being the bad guy and doing bad guy stuff to you!!! And I’m going to sweetchin music more little girls too!!!

(Triple H closes the door.)

POW POW OW LITTLE HELLSPAWN OF…OF…OF DAMINATION!!

(Triple H begins to walk away.)

Triple H: To think-uh in a few months after our big feud-uh…we’ll be best buds again. Isn’t it a wonderful-uh world?

(Triple H walks off as pounding is going on against the door.)

POW POW POW

…

No, I’m not trading any Pokemon from SilverSoul after this.

RRRAAAA

POW POW POW

I HAVEN’T EVEN FOUND MY STARTER POKEMON A GOD FEARING WIFE TO HAVE A FAMILY WITH!!!

THE END

[HalloweenJack]

heh.

[Propeus The Fallen]

Nature Boy in Training

(Ric Flair is walking AJ Styles, wearing typical clothes, down a mansion.)

Ric Flair: WHOOOO!!

Ric Flair: AJ BY SWEET BABY JESUS STYLES, you are blessed brother because you have been chosen by da Nature Boy!! Whoo!!!

(Ric Flair struts up and down)

Ric Flair: To be the next Nature Boy and to be the next real world’s champion!!

(Ric Flair points to an empty glass case.)

AJ Styles: There’s nothing in there.

(Ric Flair throws off his jacket)

Ric Flair: Of course there’s not! Because the IRS is up Slick Ric like an apple on a tree!!!

(Ric Flair begins elbow dropping the jacket.)

AJ: Mr. Flair…

(Flair gets up crazy eyed.)

Flair: But I’ve go Ol’ Double A and the Horseman taking care of things!

(Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard and Ole Anderson are waiting for an auction dealer in the parking lot.)

Ole Anderson: Look at you two…the only thing I would have to do with Vince McMahon is taking a runny shit in his mouth and watching him drown in it.

(Arn Anderson points a ball bat at Ole.)

Arn Anderson: Tim Horner couldn’t save you before, he ain’t going to save you now if you don’t shut your yap.

(Flair is taking AJ into a room filled with Flair’s robes. Flair has disrobed until he is just in his underwear and socks.)

Flair: Whooo!

Flair: This is it! This is where the style is and you take this AJ Styles outside these walls, then, then brother you do some styling!

(Flair begins to dance in place.)

AJ: I don’t know if this is me…

Flair: You can’t be you and be the by god Nature Boy! You can’t be you and be a limousine riding, jet flying, kiss stealing son uva gun!

(Flair puts a robe on AJ.)

Flair: Here, Champ! There you go! All yours.

(AJ looks it over in mirror and begins to smile.)

AJ: Yeah, I like this…

(AJ does a weak strut.)

Flair: No, champ, no! That’s a Jeff Jarrett strut! You ain’t a Tennessee toothpick, you’re Ric Flair! You’re Space Mountain!!

Flair: Show it to me!

AJ: …

(AJ begins to unzip his pants.)

Flair: Not that! You’re not Gorgeous George! You’re not even AJ Styles! You’re the Nature Boy! Show it to me! Show it to me, champ!!

AJ: WHOOOOO!!!

Flair: Yes! Yes!

(AJ begins to strut.)

AJ: I’m doing it Ric! I’m doing it!

Flair: Whoooo Whoooo Whooo!!!

(Flair begins strutting and him and AJ begin doing a strutting square dance.)

Flair: But that’s not all! That’s just the peak of the mountain!

Flair: C’mon! C’mon!

(AJ Styles is now dressed in a suit, wearing a Rolex watch, and wearing fancy shoes.)

Flair: There it is! You’re on your way!

Flair: You’ve got the attitude!

(AJ sticks out his hand for Flair to shake.)

(Flair goes to accept the handshake, but AJ pulls it away and runs his hand though his hair.)

Flair: Right, champ! Dead right! Whooo!!

Flair: You’ve got the suit!

(AJ shows off his suit.)

Flair: Strut it! Strut, champ! Style and Profile, brother!! WHOOO!!!

(AJ does a little strut.)

Flair: You’ve even got, the rolex!

(AJ looks at the watch.)

AJ: Now I’ll know what time it is for rich people.

Flair: But there is something missing. The important thing!

(Flair nudges AJ playfully.)

Flair: The ladies.

AJ: Huh?

(Flair opens a door as three attractive women come into the room.)

AJ:!!!

Flair: There they are champ! All for you! Just you! Show ‘em how the Nature Boy does it.

(AJ looks nervously at the ladies.)

AJ: Um…hi…how are you…ladies?

Flair: No! No! No!

Flair: That ain’t how you do it!

(AJ shows off his wedding ring.)

AJ: But I’m married.

(Ric Flair seems to be admiring the ring.)

Ric Flair: So you are…

Ric Flair: Say, champ, that’s a nice ring. Can old Ric take a gander?

AJ: Sure.

(AJ hands Flair the ring as Flair looks it over.)

Flair: Nice. I think I can see a little diamond right there…

(Flair throws the ring through a window.)

KERRSSHHHH

AJ: Hey!

Flair: That thing is worse than a ball and chain!!

(Flair takes one of the ladies in his arms and prepares her for a kiss.)

Flair: You take a step back and watch a pro.

(Flair begins kissing the lady.)

(Jacqueline Beems walks into the room.)

Beems: Honey, I’m—

Beems: WHAT THE HELL, RIC?!

(Ric Flair looks up at Beems while still kissing the lady.)

(Flair decides to ignore her and goes back to focusing on the lady.)

(Beems grabs the lady by her hair and throws her towards the door.)

Beems: Sluts! Space Mountain is closed!

(The ladies leave.)

(Ric Flair has his pants around his legs as he walks towards Beems.)

Ric: Woman! You and all my other fifty wives and mistresses know that Ol’ Natch has to—

(Beems thumbs Flair in the eyes.)

Flair: AAHHHHHH GAAWWDD!!!

(Flair charges at Beems, but Beems back flips him as Flair squirms in pain.)

WHAM

Flair: AHHHHH!!!

(Beems grabs Flair by the arm and slings him towards a wall as Flair does his Flair bump.)

(Flair gets up and climbs up a dresser, but Beems catches him.)

Flair: Noooooooo!!!

(Beems throws Flair off the dresser.)

THUD

(Flair begins to back off and beg off.)

Flair: Noooo…!!!

(Flair points at AJ, who is watching all of this in shock.)

Flair: AJ, don’t you hit my wife with that lamp.

(Beems turns around.)

AJ: I wasn’t.

(Flair goes low on Beems, to no effect.)

Flair: …

Flair: Whooo…?

(Beems grabs Flair by his nose and pulls him to his feet.)

YANK

Flair: Aggggggghhh

(Beems begins to lay in chops that blister Flair’s chest.)

SMACK SMACK SMACK

AJ:!!!

(Flair is being carted into an ambulance as AJ follows him in.)

Caption: A few minutes and clips to the leg later…

AJ: Ric! Are you okay?

(Flair is in the ambulance as he sees a female ambulance worker.)

(Flair squeezes her butt.)

Female: !!!

Flair: Whooo!!! I’m a black eye sportin’, ambulance riding, dead on arrival, battered husband! WHOOOOO!!!

(The ambulance drives off.)

SMACK!

THE END

[Propeus The Fallen]

Undertaker: Hear, me opponents. Tonight I shall bring forth the hellfire and scorch the earth with--

WOW!! It's THE UNDERTAKER!!!!

(Undertaker turns his head as the pyro kicks in)

Undertaker: Eh?

(The pyro hits and UT's entire arm is caught in the blast.)

THOOOOOOMMM

(Undertaker looks at his arm as it is completely on fire.)

Undertaker: ...

(Undertaker looks down at the pyro guy.)

Pyro guy: ...sorry.

(The Undertaker glares at his arm and his cold stare puts the flames out.)

(Undertaker takes off his coat.)

(Undertaker slowly walks to the commentator table.)

(Undertaker take's Michael Cole's bottle of water and begins pouring it on his burn.)

Michael Cole: Vintage Undertaker.

(Undertaker throws the empty bottle of water at Cole, knocking him out of his chair.)

bimp

Michael Cole: OW!

Matt Striker: So how do you manage RAWs?

Jerry Lawler: I usually focus on one or two pre-teen girls.

(Undertaker is in his cell as Mike Chioda is there giving him water bottles.)

(The Undertaker is pouring bottle after bottle on his burnt arm.)

Mike: So did that hurt?

(UT looks at Mike before going back to pour water on his arm.)

Mike: Ahem.

(UT ignores Mike as he is rubbing his throat.)

Mike: AHEM AHEM COUGH COUGH

(UT disdainfully looks up at him.)

Mike: Um, I know you're probably in pain because a fireball lit you on fire...but I've been working hard and I'm awfully thirsty.)

UT: ...

(UT hands Mike a bottle of water.)

Mike: Thanks!

(Mike begins to drink from it.)

(The Undertaker suddenly grabs Mike by his throat.)

Mike: GLUB GLUB GLUB!!!

(Mike, barely conscious, hands the bottle back to the UT)

(The UT takes it and lets go of Mike Chioda who falls to the ground.)

(UT begins to pour the water in the bottle on his wound.)

(After the match, The UT is holding his jaw as he approaches the pyro guy.)

Pyro guy: Um, I guess HBK kicking you in your face and costing you the championship hasn't improved your mood, has it?

(UT brings his arms up and brings them down.)

Pyro guy: ...

(Pyro guy looks around.)

Pyro guy: Did I miss my mark again?

(Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes the pyro guy and he is on fire as he runs away.)

BOLT

THOOOM

AARRGGGHHH!!

(UT watches a several people put him out with fire extinguishers before walking to the back.)

(Kane is by a coffee machine as the UT walks past him.)

Kane: Now you know how it feels!!!

(UT stops.)

(UT begins to slowly pour a cup of coffee.)

(UT stares at Kane.)

Kane: ...

(UT throws the boiling coffee at Kane.)

SLASRRR

Kane: ARGGHHHH!! NOT AGAIN!!!!

(UT slowly walks away.)

(UT is walking in the locker room as the other wrestlers run away in fear.)

(UT is alone as he looks his surroundings over.)

(UT slowly looks at the first and second degree burns.)

UT: ...

UT: Ow.

 

[HalloweenJack]

heh. that damn coffee

[Propeus The Fallen]

Damn, it's been awhile.

WRESTLE COURT: BRYAN vs. COLE

(The UT is at the podium.)

UT: WWE Universe once more, after many days, we are gathered forth to establish what is moral, what is right, what is wrong, what is—

(Undertaker looks over as Max Moon is talking with John Morrison.)

Max Moon: Hi, I’m Peppermint Pluto from Future Outer Space. In a few weeks, I’m going to need to fix a time rip. What can I throw into a continuum space hole without it’s molecules being scattered, vibrating at such a frequency that they each wind up on a different dimensional plane?

(A gust of wind blows through John Morrison’s hair as he moves in slow motion.)

(Morrison takes off his glasses and strikes a pose.)

Morrison: The Palace of Wisdom and the Courtroom Delight, suggest a carmel apple.

(Max Moon hits his jet pack as he hops off.)

Max Moon: Of course! Twenty times I’ve tried and it’s as simple as a Marmacian Glouperwak the descendant of Zack Ryder.

Zack Ryder: Whoo-whoo—WHAT?

(Undertaker gets back to business.)

Undertaker: If there are no further interruptions…

(The lights dim as lightning strikes.)

KRRACCKOOOMMMM

Undertaker: COURT….

(Undertaker’s eyes go blank.)

Undertaker: …IS IN SESSION....

(Undertaker turns to bailiff CM Punk.)

Undertaker: Our case, he who has hair like a dead cat and lives his life the same.

(CM Punk gets on his knees and does his watch check and pose before coming to the ring.)

CM Punk: It’s clobbering time!

CM Punk: Our case to be judged by those polluted with pills and alcohol to mask their pain, both physical and mental, is Michael Cole suing Daniel Bryan for piefacing him like a six year old girl in a school yard.

(Jerry Lawler suddenly jumps up out of his seat.)

The King: Where?! Where!?

(Michael Cole takes the stand.)

Michael Cole: Vintage King.

CM Punk: Yeah, yeah…

Undertaker: Swear him in.

CM Punk: Michael Cole, raise your right hand.

(Cole holds his hand up.)

CM Punk: Higher! Reach past the haze of the mary jane and look to the future with Meth free eyes.

CM Punk: Say after me:  I Accept Straight Edge Into My Life, I Accept CM Punk As My Savior. We Pledge Allegiance to the Flag of the Straight Edge Society .And to the Philosophy for which It stands .One Nation, under Punk, indivisible with Integrity and Sobriety for All."

Undertaker: Enough! There is a separation of church and state in these walls.

(Undertaker looks at all the other wrestlers with a hideous gleam.)

Undertaker: For now…

Undertaker: I am to understand you have a visual presentation—

Michael Cole: That’s right! I have it!

Undertaker: Yes, as I was—

Michael Cole: That’s right!

Undertaker: When I am—

Michael Cole: SCOOP SLAM!

(Lightning strikes and thunder shakes the room.)

Undertaker: ENOUGH!

(Undertaker glares down at a nervous Michael Cole.)

Undertaker: If you interrupt me once more, I will have the hounds of hell and cats of sin mate on the remnants of your mortal soul!!!

(Undertaker looks away.)

Michael Cole: Vintage Phenom!

Undertaker: Rrrrraaahhh

Undertaker: Just play your DVD…and no commentary!

(Michael Cole plays the video of Michael Cole getting beat up by Daniel Bryan.)

Michael Cole: Did you see that?

Michael Cole: Did you?

R-Truth: What’s up is that you got pie the fu—

(R-Truth looks over as an official shakes his head.)

R-Truth: Um…pie the fudge faced up. That’s what’s up!

(The official gives the okay hand signal.)

Michael Cole: I was just doing my job as a color commentator, telling the world how Bryan Daniel is a piece of garbage and the worse thing in the world and that the IWC are all idiots for liking him, when he suddenly assaulted me.

Michael Cole: And if he doesn’t give me an apology, I’m going to sue him for everything he owns!

JTG: What the hell can a vegan own?

MVP: Radishes?

Undertaker: Call forth your witnesses.

(The Miz is on the stand.)

Miz: I tried training Bryan. Trying to make something out of nothing, but I would have been better off carrying the Big Show again! I mean, he’s so vanilla, he makes Sheamus looks like he has a tan!

(Sheamus stands up.)

Sheamus: Ey! Watch it, fella.

(Sheamus begins to sit down when he notices Cena sitting in front of him.)

(Sheamus smacks Cena in the back of the head.)

SMACK

Sheamus: Don’t ye be forgettin’ ‘bout me none, John Cena!

Cena: Can’t. I think of you, I think of McDonald’s. And the C-Nation loves their Big Macs!

Miz: I AM THE MIZ…AND I AM AWESOME.

(Everyone looks at the Miz.)

Miz: …

Miz: Cena just said that and you’re looking at me like that?

(Heath Slater is on the stand as he begins bobbing his head and acting like he is playing musical instruments.)

Heath Slater: Dudes, the One Man Rockband was getting read for his match, torking his tunes and tuning that band solo style when--

Undertaker: Get the hell out of here.

Undertaker: Daniel Bryan. Come forth and face certain doom.

(Daniel Bryan puffs up his shoulders as he goes up to the stand.)

(Michael Cole is talking to Josh Mathews behind him.)

Michael Cole: Look at him! What a tool! He’s a…a…a toolbox!

(Bryan suddenly piefaces Cole out of his chair.)

WHAM

Cole: Now, I’m pressing more charges!

Josh Mathews: Must you fail so spectacularly at being a man every time you open your mouth?

(Bryan is on the stand.)

Undertaker: Now, before I commence sentence, what would you—

Bryan: Mr. Undertaker. I’m a big fan! People like you got me in the business. Heck, you even were the basis of my Manly Meter.

Undertaker: Manly Meter?

Cole: Vintage Tool.

Cole: It’s where he rates how manly something is on his stupid website. I wouldn’t know because I always go on it.

Bryan: Yeah. And, your honor, I just rated you and you had our highest score ever. It even read out that you are so manly you could put chair on the chest of any woman you just had sex with.

(Everyone looks over at Team LayCool as Michelle McCool is wearing a sweater and has her arms folded.)

Bryan: But I’d like to say something to you all---

(Bryan points at Michael Cole.)

Bryan: Who here hasn’t wanted to kick his ass at least once?

Bryan: Who here hasn’t listened to him call their match and just wanted him to follow what was actually happening or maybe even call a move?

(The other wrestlers look at each other and shrug their shoulders or nod.)

Bryan: I know that the “internet is bad” but it is a lot of those same fans who have made wrestling the mainstream event that it is today. Yeah, you have a few douchbags, but you have people who care about the business. They may not be on the inside, but they read the blogs, stream the PPVs, and communicate with one another and share their opinions.

Cole: PPPPFFT

Cole: The Internet is nothing more than guys who have never had sex with a woman! And why should anyone listen to you? If you’re not in the bubble, you don’t belong!

Bryan: You mean like a Jerry Lawler, or a Chris Jericho? Yeah, I’m not from the developments, but is that so bad? Are you that afraid of anything that is outside your little world that you can’t even try to fathom! I have traveled the world! Fought the best—

Cole: And I bet you lost to them to!

Undertaker: Enough!!!

(Bryan looks at the Undertaker.)

Bryan: You weren’t from the WWE originally either. What if you had never gotten a chance?

Undertaker: …I was a skyscraper once. When I lay my head down again, I might be a skyscraper again.

Michael Cole: The phenom, the dead man, is becoming angry with—

Undertaker: I am not—

Michael Cole: What a move!

Undertaker: Do not start this again with me, Cole or I swear—

Michael Cole: Ahhhahhh Ha!

Michael Cole: Scoop Slam!

(Undertaker begins banging his gavel as bats appear from the impact.)

BANG BANG BANG

UNDERTAKER: INNOCENT!!!!

(Undertaker looks over at Bryan before he does Cole.)

Undertaker: And I am granting you amnesty from any future crimes.

Bryan: Right.

(Bryan runs over to Cole and begins pie facing him as Cole immediately goes into the fetal position.)

Cole: Vintage coward!! Ow WWWWAAHHHH

Court is adjourned.

[HalloweenJack]

aha! vintage prop!

[Propeus The Fallen]

Funeral For A Deadman.

(The WWE is gathered at a funeral home as the Undertaker is in an open casket as Kane stands over him.)

Kane: Today is a somber day. Today is when we all mourn the death…of my brother, the Undertaker!

(Several of the heel wrestlers nod to each other and slap high fives.)

(Kane looks up as the heels try to look innocent.)

Kane: It was on Memorial Day when I found my Undertaker in a vegetative state. No more shall he stalk the shadows for souls, no longer shall he lead the creatures of the night in his campaign of darkness, no longer—

(The Undertaker begins to sit up)

(Kane pushes him back down)

Kane: --No longer shall he rule above the WWE with an iron fist of malevolence.

(Kane begins to become enraged.)

Kane: The only day worse than this—WOULD BE ANY MAY 19th!!!

Kane: Do you know what happened this May 19th.

Caption: I do! I got my new computer! I mean, I tried to get online, but I had to put everything in and I have dial up and—

(Kane actually punches the caption box.)

Kane: THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU!!!

SMASHH

(Kane calms down.)

Kane: Now, before I give my eulogy I would like to say—

(Close up on Orton as he begins to stare blankly.)

(Orton flashes back to when he was at his grandmother’s funeral as his dad and Rowdy Piper pushes him towards the casket.)

Young Orton: But daddy, I don’t want to see her like this!

Roddy Piper: What? You don’t wants ta see your gran gran dead dead?! Now here we’s gots an old gal who changed yer diapers full of dookie and done and now yer gonna see her right after we took some Charmin—because da Hot Rod likes squeezin’ dem Charmins-- and cleaned da old gal  up after she filled her bloomers!

Young Orton: No!

Roddy Piper: Now ya gotta make up fer dem birthday cards and ten dollar bills! Lord knows ya haven’t done nuthin’ in school ta pay da interest!

(Roddy Piper picks up Young Orton as he struggles vainly as Piper begins to lower his face towards his dead grandmother.)

Roddy Piper: Now! You give ‘er a big ol’ smackeroo right on da lips! Make her feel dirty after enterin’ da pearlie gates!

Young Orton: NOOOOOO!!!

(Back to the present as Orton is onto top of the casket as he glares at the Undertaker.)

(All of the wrestlers stare blankly save for Cody Rhodes, Virgil, and Ted DiBiase.)

Cody Rhodes: What do we do?

(Ted turns to Virgil.)

Ted: Virgil, combine disgust and shame in a facial expression.

(Virgil does as he’s told.)

Cody: Huh. That’s how my dad looked when he first saw Goldust.

(Orton begins to pound the casket like he would the ring.)

(Orton suddenly clutches his shoulder.)

Orton: NNGGGHHH!!!

(Orton falls off the casket and slowly goes back to his seat.)

Kane: Nice. My brother would appreciate knowing that he can cause mortal pain while vegetated.

Kane: Now, I would like John Cena to—

(Kane looks around as does everyone else.)

(Kane gets angry and causes a nearby wreath to burst into flames.)

FLLLSSHHH!!!

Kane: Where is he!!!?

(Cena is walking in the parking lot.)

(Suddenly Wade Barrett comes out from a car and stands in front of him.)

Cena: …

(Suddenly the rest of the NXT season one appears from inside or hiding around a car to circle him.)

(Cena looks around as he is totally surrounded.)

Cena: Sigh.

(Back to the funeral.)

Kane: Well, let’s just have Edge get up here.

(Edge walks up to Kane as Kane grabs him by the throat.)

Kane: AND IT HAD BETTER BE HEART FELT!!!

Edge: Urrrrkkk

(Kane lets go of Edge as Edge rubs his neck as he goes to the casket.)

Edge: Break a slim jim, not my neck, not Pete Rose here…

(Edge looks at the Undertaker with a sincere, sadden look.)

Edge: I never thought this day would come. As a young man, watching WWE, I remember watching the Undertaker tombstone Jimmy Snuka into the midcard permanently.

(The Usos sneer)

Edge: And I thought that I wanted to be in the ring with the Undertaker and have the greatest matches ever. And I did. And after those matches, I—

(Edge suddenly snaps and goes face to face with the Undertaker’s corpse.)

Edge: I’M GLAD HE’S GONE!

Edge: I hate you! You ruined my marriage! Took my title! And you tried to cripple me! Me, The Rated-R Superstar! The greatest wrestler this industry has ever seen!!!

Edge: You should have just stayed away! Leave me to my title! To Smackdown! But no! You couldn’t could you, you miserable rotting, son of a bitch!

(Edge begins pulling at his hair.)

Edge: I am glad you’re a radish! I’ve never been a religious man, but I’ve turned to god so that I could believe, find the faith, that there is a hell for you to burn in!!!

(Edge suddenly straightens up.)

(Edge calmly walks to his seat.)

Kane: Nice.

Kane: Now we’ve got some TNA wrestlers who want to show their respect.

(Suicide and The Pope walk up to the casket.)

The Pope: Now I know me and Suicidey come from across the line, but when The Pope heard that The Undertaker had passed on through the light, you know The Pope had to pay his respects!

The Pope: You see, The Pope knows that The Undertaker is up their on cloud nine, tombstoning angels! Oh, The Pope and his congregation knows that while you can blow him up, set him on fire…

(Kane somberly nods his head.)

The Pope: …Explode him, bury him, vegetate him like a veggie burger The Pope would find at the frozen section after The Pope has picked up his gallon of Chocolate Ripple—because white is better with some sweet chocolate swirling about—that the legacy of the Undertaker will outlive us all!

(The Pope extends his ring hand.)

The Pope: So The Pope preaches and now kiss The Pope’s ring!

(The Pope walks away as Suicide looks at the Undertaker lying on his casket with envy.)

Suicide: Sigh.

(Suicide slowly walks away.)

Kane: Now, before I give my eulogy, is there anyone who has anything to—

(Max Moon suddenly bursts through the doors.)

Max Moon: Listen to me, Present Earthers of Yesterday’s twilight, I have come to give you a grave warning about a Memorial Day to soon come that—

(Max Moon looks at the UT in his casket.)

Max Moon: Curses! Once again Saturn Ringely has mistimed his time warp. I’ll just deal with the alternate timeline! Future Logic!!!

(Max Moon slowly begins to hop, as his jet pack gives out a puff of smoke, as he leaves.)

Kane: I hate luchadores. Taking advantage of death for personal gain.

(Everyone looks at La Parka.)

La Parka: …

(La Parka points to Rey Mysterio who is on a cell phone. His outfit is modeled after the Undertaker.)

Rey Mysterio: Yes, I need you to pimp a hearse!

(Kane begins his eulogy.)

Kane: Me and my brother, we had a bond few men were ever graced with. I look fondly on the days when we would play with matches, setting fire to corpses.

Kane: I remember with a tear in my eye, reflecting on the fond memories of my flesh sheering from bone. My burns and scars a family album.

(Kane falls on his knees and begins crying.)

Kane: I should have been there! I could have stopped this! Now the greatest menace this world has ever been blighted with has now been cleansed. Gone is his wraith. Gone are the days of cowering in fear at the mere mention of his name…

(Kane begins to sob.)

(Kane suddenly becomes angry as he stands up.)

Kane: But were not here to mourn my brother! No! You are here to learn your fates!

(Everyone grows uncomfortable in their seats.)

Kane: I know one or more of you cowardly attacked my brother and you will not escape without repercussions!

Kane: I will find out who did this and I will rip the soul from your body!

Kane: I will hunt you, stalk you with a bloodlust unseen since the dark ages! I will pursue you through hellfire and brimstone. I will hound you like a bad dream, a sin that refuses to be lived down! Where you run, I will follow! Where you hide, I will find you! And I will not finish you until I am certain that I have placed in you a fear of a higher power!!!

Kane: And I have no qualms on slaughtering the innocents! Any and all sentient beings would best serve their continued existence if they put as much distance as they humanly can!!!

Kane: NO ONE IS INNOCENT! NO ONE IS ABOVE ACCUSATION! THERE WILL BE  VENGEANCE!!!

(Fire begins to erupt from the ground as everyone begins to run out of the funeral home.)

Kane: VENGEANCE!!!!

(Kane is left alone.)

Kane: …

Kane: I’m taking that as pleading the fifth. But in my court, that only leads to pleading for your lives.

(Kane turns to the Undertaker.)

Kane: Brother, I swear, I shall find who did this to you.

(Kane slowly closes the casket.)

Kane: Now, at long last, Rest In Peace.

CLICK

(Kane leaves the funeral home.)

(Kane stops.)

(Kane raises his arms as flames burst from all the lights in the room.)

(Kane lowers his arms as the flames die down until the room is left in darkness.)

Casket: Mortal coil in fear for I—

Knock Knock

Casket: Kane? Paul? Michelle?

Casket: …

Casket: The ghouls of ghastly will never let me hear the end of this…